THE OUTSIDER
This is how I feel; like an outsider, simply looking in. I feel like I am watching everyone else live and I am stuck on the outside wishing to be on the inside. This is probably the most cliche' feeling anyone could ever have. Everyone feel this way, likely multiple times throughout their life. For me though, I have always felt this way. I just never felt quite like I belonged.
I quit everything I ever did and truly enjoyed when I was younger. Thing's that bring me great joy now to watch. By this time I would be good at those thing's... very good in fact. By now I would have been dancing or playing soccer for something like fourteen years. That is a LONG time. But instead, because I felt like I didn't belong; I felt like an outsider watching everyone else succeed while I failed, I quit. Sadly the only thing that made me a failure is the fact that I quit. If only I could have seen then that I would regret it now. If I had felt like I belonged, like I was one of "them" than I would be doing those thing's that I still love to this day. Most likely, anyway.
I'm like Ponyboy. I am stuck in a lonely, abandoned place simply waiting while the rest of the world moves and works and lives. Waiting is very much like not living... I am on the outside, looking in. Observing from a safe distance. Watching everyone else live. But because I am watching them, I am not living myself.
It's kind of easier though, observing rather than doing. I am safer this way. If I don't get out there and live, then I can't screw up, or get hurt, or die. If I don't live, I can't die... What kind of thinking is that!? It doesn't make sense. What is the motive behind living this way?
I don't understand why I do this!
I have def felt this way. Not just as a child or teen either. I think a turning point for me came as a grown woman with 5 children not so very many years ago. And that turning point for me was when God spoke directly to me about my function or in other words His design for me. His unique purpose or call for my place or part in His body, His church. That revelation gave me a real sense of value that I had not comprehended before. Not only value but purpose. Larger purpose than just living my life my own way. By
ReplyDeletemy own ingenuity. Another words, if you are part of the "tree", how can it be possible to live without the connection of root to branch. Not possible. If not connected the branch withers up and dies.