FAITHFULNESS

IT KEEPS COMING UP...

Everywhere I go, everywhere I look, constantly being spoken to me...

Clearly the Lord is trying to remind me. His faithfulness is abundant and never ceasing.

This has been a constant, all around me for weeks. And oddly enough, it took me quite some time to even notice the consistency. But I finally got it.

God is faithful. He is faithful when I am not. He is faithful when I don't deserve it. He is faithful to the thing's He promises and the thing's we don't even know He has promised. He is faithful through the end.

We can barely remain faithful to one brand of toothpaste; let alone God. It is unquestionably one of the biggest and least understood thing's about Him for me. How does He continue to love and remain faithful to us when all we ever do is turn our back on Him?

I have done it time and time again. I struggle, I question and doubt Him. And yet He remains faithful and true to His promises, to His love for me. One day I will stop being unfaithful. One day it will be so ingrained in me how magnificent He is that I could never be unfaithful again.

It is all throughout scripture. So how could we ever forget?

I WILL get it. One day. And when I do... I believe He will be so proud and so welcoming. He will smile at me and tell me that He has been waiting for me all this time. And when that happens, I believe there is no going back...

BACK TO LIFE

There have been things within me that have been suppressed and devalued and tampered out over the past few years. I used to have a vibrancy and childlike vigor for life. I danced around with or without music, I picked flowers, I saw beauty everywhere I looked. I had a positive attitude and outlook. That girl, she was spectacular.

That beautiful person, she got lost. Actually, she got those wonderful things stolen from her. Somewhere along the way, that spirit that was so enthusiastic and alluring was beaten out of her and she became cold and dead...

The world become dull and grey, people lost their attractiveness in personality, everything just turned to dust and all that could be done was mourn. A radiant world full of color and quirk and life which she so enjoyed became something she quite loathed. People became annoying. Colors dim. Flowers sad. Imagination was lackluster.

That lively girl... she is making a comeback. There is an exquisite and effervescent rising of life within her now. I must say, it feels grand. For so long being stuck, this feeling of new life is everything.

There is art in everything. There is beauty all around. Times are still sometimes difficult, but she is no longer blinded by the negative. She can see through it. Living moment to moment because that is all one can really do. But even in the midst of a dark moment, she can see the light of the nearing goodness.

I like this girl...

I like what she is becoming.

I like that she has a vision and a future.

I like that she has faith and faithfulness.

She is pretty stellar.

WHO NEEDS HUMAN INTERACTION...

WHEN YOU'VE GOT A SMART PHONE?

The other day it came up that we share a lot of information over the inter-webs. This is true. And often times a perfect stranger can have total access to that information. This generation... or not even in just this generation, but the majority of people, young and old alike tend to document their lives publicly online. With Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Blogs, etc. we put it all out there.

I was talking to my mom this morning about an old friend that I have not spoken to in quite a while, sharing the comings and goings of his life with her, based almost entirely on information I have come to know about him from his Instagram. When I took a moment to just think about that; how it was I could share bits of his life with her without ever even speaking to him I realized just how much we document our lives publicly. And thoroughly.

Someone I do not even know could easily tell someone else great details about my life. They could look at my pictures on various accounts, and get to know the people in them based on information I am posting. We no longer get to know people face to face; or even keep up with the people we do know.

We replaced our actual friends with our smart phones and our computers. Talking on the phone is a thing of the past. You text now. No need to hear what anyone is saying when you can read it. I for one don't mind that at all. I don't like talking on the phone, I would much rather text or e-mail if we are not going to be face to face. But I think that we are missing out on something. We've lost a bit over the years with the ever-blossoming technological advances.

Don't get me wrong, I love technology... "but not as much as you, you see" (name that movie! Win big points). I suppose I just thought I would share my realization. I feel kind of shocked at how much we can know about other people without ever knowing them or at least keeping in touch with them. There is no big revelation. I just thought it was interesting. There is a great, big world out there and most people are glued to a tiny screen to see it or be a part of it. Strange...

ANALOGY

It never occurred to me that I seem broken...

I never thought that someone might come here and read this and think to themselves,

"This chick is broken".

It is somewhat surprising to me that I never considered what I may be putting out there. I definitely have my troubles. And this place was a sort of experiment to see if I could figure myself out.

I have figured some things out. At the beginning I had no idea about who I was or what I wanted.

I have ideas now. I can pinpoint my dreams assuredly now. I can also say that I know myself a bit better. Wherever I lost Caitlyn before, she somehow found me and we are piecing things together again. It is slow going, but slow is better than stillness.

Also, I came up with a wonderful analogy.

Maybe I am broken, but I like to say that I am a work in progress.

The Sistine Chapel ceiling took four years to paint. And I am sure it was excruciating for Michelangelo. But it's one of the most treasured pieces of art in history. I like to think that I will come out at some point a beautiful piece of work, even after the pain. It may take time; probably more time than I would like for it to take,  but if the end result is this magnificent piece of artistry, the time is just a drop in the bucket.

I DON'T KNOW WHY...

I FIND IT SO DIFFICULT...

To sit quiet and humbly take what's been dealt me. I don't know why I feel I need some kind of validation in what I am feeling in the midst of what I am going through. I don't know why I want someone to know. I don't know why I want someone to tell me that it is okay that I feel what I do and that I  deserve better and that thing's will get better. Why can't I just take it as it is and deal with it on my own?

Am I the only person that find's it so hard to not say something about what is going on? I wish I didn't want someone to validate my feelings. I wish I could be okay with feeling what I do and that be enough for me. Clearly it isn't... Isn't that what this is?! This entire blog is me saying what I want about what I feel and what I am going through; and I post it so people can see it. That's a little arrogant and self seeking... isn't it?

And yet, somehow, I continue to do it. And I never actually say what I REALLY want to say just in case someone sees it... It is all very confusing and strange and I don't even know what. Some of thing's I want to say are not nice thing's. Sometimes I want to shine light on circumstances and situations so people will know who they are really dealing with. But that isn't fair... And it isn't up to me deal out justice and judgment. That's on God. But sometimes... sometimes I wish I could do it. Sometimes I want the world to know how someone they think so highly of is actually behaving.

Partially... maybe mostly because I know that I don't look so good to a lot of people. And the reasons I look as I do are based on lies and manipulations. I shouldn't care what anyone thinks. For the most part it is all concerning people I don't even really have a relationship with. But for the few people I do have a relationship with that ARE buying into the lies... that hurts. And I want the truth to come out. And yet I cannot divulge the truth. And most people don't listen anyway.

Somehow I got screwed over. I look like The bad guy. I look like a fool... And I don't like that. Maybe some of the time it is true. Some of the time I have been the bad guy. I have certainly made my share of mistakes. But I took responsibility for those and I am still getting screwed over.

I just wish we really knew the people we think we know. A lot of time we only know the pieces they want seen. And those are usually bogus. And I din't even mean for this to end up where it did. But it is interesting that it did because this is exactly what the Pastor of the church I "attend" (stream from Gainesville) was talking about for a bit today. People present the good thing's, the best thing's. And often times it is too late when we see the real thing. He presented it differently of course. It is like movie trailers. They put the best parts of the movie into the trailer because they need to sell how awesome it is. But when you actually see the movie, it is crap. All the good stuff was presented to get you in the theater. Once the money is spent, who cares what comes next? Now you are ten bucks lighter on cash and either wasted your time and money or walked out and only wasted the money.

All that to say that I wish you could see... I wish you could see the way that that person you so admire really behaves behind the scenes. I wish you could hear the way that person speaks; the words they use are unkind and filthy. Hardly the person they present themselves to be. I wish that people that claim to follow the Lord and call themselves Christians didn't so often behave like people of the world. I wish people didn't take something that should be simple and quick and turn it into a giant mess because they want revenge of some kind. I wish people weren't so two faced.

I feel that I can genuinely say that I am the same person to all people. I don't try and hide. And I am trying really hard to be humble and gentle and generous. I am trying... And I am being me. Not some counterfeit, trying to blend and make people think I am something I am not.

This took such a different turn... Oh well. I guess I need to get it out there. So there it is.

OUT THERE...

EVERYTHING THAT IS TRUE AND THEN SOME

MATTHEW PERRRYMAN JONES

"FEELS LIKE LETTING GO"

Oh my love

Help me open up my heart again

Tear it open let the rain fall in

Wash this hardness underneath my skin

Oh my love

Let me hear your voice come through

I wanna know the love inside of you

Make this dark heart believe in what is true

I know that in the dark there's a fear of letting go

I know it in my heart that I fear what I don't know

And this feels like letting go

And this feels like letting go

I'm letting go

It's hard to trust

When your hearts been broken times before

You pull the curtains and you lock the doors

Swear you'll never go out anymore

I know that in the dark there's a fear of letting go

I know it in my heart that I fear what I don't know

And this feels like letting go

And this feels like letting go

Well I'm stepping out

I can't see there is no sound

A seeming void becomes a solid ground

A sight I lost becomes a faith I've found

And this feels like letting go

And this feels like letting go

I'm letting go, I'm letting go

I'm letting go, I'm letting go

I'm letting go, I'm letting go

Letting go, I'll let it go

FITTING... VERY FITTING.

A SHALLOW AND LABORED BREATH

SOME DAYS ARE HARD...

Literally not knowing what is next for me,  where I will be, if I will have money, a way to get around, people that love me; it is hard. Some days are simply hard... It is hard to wake, hard to breath, hard to think. It is hard to know that there is nothing left and there is no self-sufficiency and people always walk out of your life. 

It is hard to not get caught up in what other people say to or about you. At times I think it is better to be alone, without other people consistently in  your life, because then you don't know or don't care what they are saying or whom they are saying it to and whether or not it is true or false or embellished and exaggerated. Not knowing can be better. Not knowing means avoiding confrontation with people. But not knowing is also lonely...

God, where are You?

What are You doing?

Do You have something planned for me?

It is sometimes all I can do to stay positive. Some days I just can't keep upbeat. This is one of those days. Feeling betrayed, unwanted, and unloved. I hate feeling this way; but some days it is what I feel. Each breath I take stings and each moment that passes is one more moment I have had to deal with my unkind thoughts about myself and my life and how I have messed up. Moment by moment, breath after breath, and nothing changes...

Am I somehow holding myself back? Am I the reason that people always leave and my world is crashing down around me? Have I done something so bad that everything must be stripped away and people that are supposed to have my back are on the wrong team? Sometimes, taking it moment by moment is good. It get's me through. But sometimes it is so slow and so lonely and so frightening.

It has been hell since I arrived back in Georgia. I just want to leave. And I want to not look back. I want to be okay and be happy and be done with this life that has been so cruel. I am ready for a newer, brighter, happier world. This dismal feeling, dark, shadow casting world that I live in is slowly killing me. My spirit, my soul. I don't have much fight left within me...

TODAY IS ONE OF THOSE DAYS...