SHANE KOYCZAN, THANK YOU

TO THIS DAY...

"The uphills were mountains and the downhills were cliffs"

Bullying... 

It is not a subject that often finds its way into the lime-light concerning adult life. 

But the fact is, it is just as bad in adulthood as it is in school. 

We breed bullies. 

If you do it in school, how do you think you will behave when you do "grow" up? 

If no one ever gets it through your head that is is NOT okay, you will simply continue to do it.

 As the generations continue to breed and raise bullies it will only worsen. 

And as the bullies grow into adulthood they will continue to bully others. 

Those thing's that they say pierce a victim like a broken shard of glass. 

Leaving a scar, jagged and deep. 

Scars last a lifetime and can only be hidden. 

They do not go away. 

Breed and grow bullies to terrorize the meek ones. 

Or stand up and stop the cycle. 

Teach what it is to say something hurtful to someone. 

You cannot take your words back. 

Once they leave your mouth they float around in space until they find their target and lodge themselves into it. 

They sink their venomous teeth into the body and they fill you with fears and doubts and those thing's become your truth. 

All because one person did not stand up and man up and teach. 

Love.     Care.     Compassion.     Empathy. 

Rather we teach apathy and hate. 

Selfishness and cruelty. 

When will it stop? 

It won't... if we do not stop it.

"And if you can't see anything beautiful about yourself, get a better mirror, look a little closer, stare a little longer. Because there's something inside you that made you keep trying despite everyone that told you to quit. You built a cast around your broken heart and signed it yourself; you signed it, "THEY WERE WRONG.'"

WHEN THE PAST RESURFACES

THERE IS SOMETHING TO GETTING OLDER...

I recently happened upon some photographs that have been lost for seventeen years. I was of the belief that the photos were gone forever, left in Orlando when we moved to Atlanta. What a blast from the past. Finding those photos has brought some things to mind of late. 

My birthday we just under a month ago; I turned twenty-five. When I was younger, twenty-five seemed so very old. It was an eternity away and I was never going to reach it because it was just so far away. Now that I have reached the "sacred" age I still feel as I did when I was a child. The next "milestone" feels very far away and very old. And twenty-five feels very young and very naive. I don't know what I supposed I would have or know by now. I just feel that I am not quite so grown up as twenty-five seemed when I was a child. I still feel like a child. And to an extent I am and always will be. But, is it normal to feel like this still? Shouldn't I feel older, grown, mature? Not to say I am none of those things. I have a couple of those under my belt to some degree or another. But I guess I just don't feel like I am where I should be. I am not grown up enough or mature enough. I don't want to be some crotchety old person right now, or ever really, but I would like to be established somehow in this world. I would like to know I am here. I want to make my mark. Shouldn't I have made my mark by now? Or made strides toward making my mark... Or have a plan for making my mark? I wonder if I am simply the type of person that will always feel dissatisfied with myself. I will never be enough for me. I could always do more or be better. Is that a bad thing?

I suppose in a way I am still waiting for my life to begin. I want to have lasting friendships. I want to not be cooped up in my house all the time. I want to go out and be with my friends. Although, it helps to have friends with which to hang out. I seem to have the "not present in your life" kind of friends. I think this age of technology has kind of harbored our ability or the need to befriend people and work on those relationships. Most of the people in my life remain in my life only because of a Facebook feed. That is so sick. That is so wrong!

A sense of rejection and abandonment also helps to keep things at bay. You put yourself out there, you make an effort and when it is not reciprocated you eventually give up. That's really where I am. I am in the giving up stages of maintaining relationships. The people that mean the most to me are people that I never or VERY rarely speak to. And when I do it is via Facebook or a quick text message in most cases. This is something that has plagued my mind for an extremely long time. Am I the issue here? Is there something that is wrong with me that consistently aids in people walking out of my life? And if not doing that, than simply not being present or reciprocating my efforts? You can give and give but if no one ever gives back you will eventually run out of any of you to give. 

I don't feel there is much left to give at this point.

At twenty-five years old I don't think I should be like this. This is supposed to be my life when I am old and crotchety, not when I am young and vibrant. If I can even consider myself vibrant... Young anyway. And so, finding these lost photos, while it was wonderful, has caused a whirlwind of questions flying about in my mind. And they are hard questions. And they make me look at myself. And they make me see that I am not the person I want to be. I am not where I want to be. I don't have the relationships I want. I feel very behind, very lacking. And I don't know how to change it.

HOW DO I FIX THIS?