MY HEART BREAKS FOR YOU

The youth of today, I am finding, much to my deep disappointment, wants nothing to do with God.

It is shocking to me that it is just now settling in that that is the state of our society.

Even at very young ages, when you are typically most trusting and prone to influence, I am finding, deep routed, a cynicism and a disinterest in learning about God.

Today, Ade wept because she has to take a religion class. She does not want to learn about God. She feels that she knows He created the earth and that is enough. She is seven.

I was actually surprised at my own sadness over her reaction. It truly made my heart hurt that she was so upset over taking a class in school that will teach her about the Bible. I know that I didn't care to learn about scripture and Christianity when I was a kid. But I was older, I was angry at God, and I felt I had valid reasons for not being interested. She simply doesn't want to learn. "It will be boring", she says.

As I have been pondering on all of this throughout the morning, I stumbled upon a couple of articles about Christianity and Homosexuality. Two subjects that don't typically go together. And when they are together, it usually isn't very positive. But as I read these articles, they really shined some light on a few things for me. And I want to share here, and ask for support and prayer, or whatever you can offer me in this journey I am about to embark upon.

Love...

I John 4:18

"Perfect love..."

When trying to recall this scripture to myself, I did not recall "perfect love" I thought "patient love". I do not believe that it was an accident that I did not recall the scripture accurately.

To love, patiently, without judgement, without expectation of return; that is perfect love.

As humans, we are terrible at loving in this way. Fortunately we have a wonderful example in the Lord as how to walk out this love. That is my journey.

It isn't for me to change these kids. It isn't for me to shove my beliefs (which so isn't my style, anyway) down their throats. It isn't for me to tell them they are wrong in what they believe or don't believe. It is my calling, it is my duty, it is my honor to love them the way that the Father loves them. And I can only hope and pray that that shows them the truth of the Lord and scripture.

I need help. I need help because I am imperfect, absolutely fallible and flawed, and sometimes not so patient. Do I want them to learn about and love God as I have learned about and have come to love Him?

Absolutely, YES! But everyone has their journey. Kids are starting so much younger now with the disbelief and cynicism, which is truly heartbreaking. But LOVE... Love can change all that. I truly and wholeheartedly believe that. I am asking that God help me to love as He loves. I am asking that He use me to show His love and to speak to these kids, their parents, and whoever else He wants too.

It isn't easy...

I need wisdom.

I need courage.

I need support.

I am asking you for all of that.

Through loving, I believe that God can do His work. And I pray that He helps me to love right, so that I don't screw thing's up for Him. I want that disinterest to become a yearning to know more about God. I want the disbelief to become an undeniable belief in His existence and sovereignty. There will be opportunities to speak and times to keep my mouth shut. I just need to know the difference, and I need the Lord to give me the words and to help me to love. Help me not to judge or be religious. Help me to encourage good things and to not tamper out the expression of feelings. Help me to LISTEN.

I don't know how to do all of these thing's. Fortunately God is my guide and my lamp and I am trusting that He will give me the tools that I need.

WEEKEND UPDATE (NOT WITH SETH MYERS)

A synopsis of my weekend.

The woes, the joys, the crazy, and the miracles.

To begin with, I went to Long Island to spend the weekend with Rebecca. Trying to figure out the most cost effective and direct way to get there was beyond stressful. That should have been my first sign that this was going to be an INTERESTING attempt at commuting. I missed it though... Had blinders on or some nonsense.

When I arrived in the city I had to find my way to Penn Station. Now, normally I plot out my entire journey in detail so I cannot get lost or confused. This time, I was overzealous. I got cocky... I thought I could remember what I needed to do without my notes... Guess what, I was wrong! "Pride goeth before the fall" (Proverbs 15:18), right? Don't you like how I worked some scripture in there. Yeah...

Moving on... I arrive at Times Square-42nd St. which is where I need to take the train to get to Penn Station. But my brain decided that it needed to take a break for a bit and I just stood in the subway staring at my phone and reading signs trying to remember what I was there for. Not to worry, there was Native American musicians performing the song of their people. It was nice. Probably not very helpful to my brain in its state of rest, but I eventually arose from my stupor and figured out what I was supposed to be doing. That's miracle one!

Penn Station is terrible. I hate it. It is huge and there is so much going on and it is confusing and I had no idea how it even worked. I walked around Penn Station for a LONG time trying to figure out where to go after I bought my ticket. I finally found a customer service area and asked for help. Turns out I had been only 20 feet away from where I needed to be the entire time. Of course, that is all after I went down to track 12 looking for my train; there wasn't one and asked a NJ railroad employee what on earth was happening, At first he was annoyed. He worked for NJ railroad, not LI railroad. But, I was polite and kind and I just needed to know how this all worked because I am clueless. I think he took pity on me at the end there. I don't mind being pitied. It was for a good cause. He told me that the number 12 next to the name of my destination did not in fact mean I was supposed to be at track 12. In fact, that area is ALL NJ transit. So, I went back upstairs and did my wandering and got the information I needed and finally found the jumbo screen that tells you when and from where your train will depart. Being lost and confused made me miss the earlier train, so I had to wait over an hour for the next one. They announce ten minutes before your train is departing what track it will be on. Fortunately, mine was departing from the track right by the screen. Huzzah!

So, I get on the train and my phone is dying and I have a connection in Babylon down the way. I have never done this before. It is way easier to get from Mamaroneck to Grand Central Terminal and maneuver from there. Also, Penn Station is nasty... It isn't beautiful like Grand Central. There is a Kmart and airport trains and all kinds of craziness happening in Penn Station. I have never made a connection from one train to another. No one explained how all this was going to go down. I was on my own... We finally arrive in Babylon and have to switch to another train, sounds easy enough, and as I think about it, it really should have been easy. But not for me... nope, I gotta go around trying to be SURE I am not gonna end up in New Jersey or back in Manhattan. I get on the train I believe to be mine, ask a gentleman sitting on said train if it was the train going to Speonk and he said he did not know. So, I got off to read the sign and try and find a kindly railroad employee to help me and answer my questions. No such employee was ever found and the signs didn't clear anything up for me. Moments after I got off the train, the doors closed... yeah. And the train left... Yeah! That was my train. I just missed my train! And now I am stranded in Babylon. Dead phone. Dark, strange place... thing's were looking grim.

I set off to find somewhere I could plug in my phone to inform Rebecca I missed my train and to try and see if there was another one coming at all. There was a convenience store just below the train station on street level. The man working there was kind enough to let me plug in my phone. So, here I am, thinking on the irony of being stranded in Babylon, waiting around for my phone to decide to raise from the dead; people milling in and out of the store, giving my strange looks... typical stuff. When I am able to use my phone once more and get in touch with Rebecca, she says that she and her Aunt will come and get me. Babylon wasn't too far away from them. Thank you Jesus! Haha... you don't understand yet why that is amusing. But you will. I am standing in the store, letting my phone charge, trying to not stick out, which is kind of hard for someone so tall... I come to find out that the name of the man that harbored me in his store and let me recharge my phone is Jesus. Hispanic Jesus. Saving me from my woes in Babylon... If that is not the epitome of irony, I don't know what is! Also, MIRACLE number two!

Jesus sheltered me from Babylon and brought my phone back from the dead.

Good times... I eventually made it to my destination in Long Island. That could be miracle three. On the way back to Becca's home we had to stop at the grocery store. We needed some essentials and fun things too. Well, we got there only ten minutes or so before they were closing. It was frigid in there too. I felt like my limbs were going to fall off from being turned to ice so suddenly. At some point, mid-shopping they turn out the lights, or dim them extremely so that people will get the hint that it is time to go. We were not finished, but there was no time to get the rest of what we needed. We check out and we get to the car and I realize that we didn't get milk... we got two boxes of cereal, we got, bread, we got, beer... but we forgot the milk. BUT, we got the BEER! So, it's okay, right?

Somewhere in this night or possibly the following day, Becca made a very valid and life changing statement. A donut is a candy bagel.

She just changed my life forever!

On Saturday afternoon we went to Tanger Outlet mall, but only one store in the entirety of it all. We had to go to Best Buy to get a computer for Becca before we really had time to meander through any other stores. We got things settled up at Best Buy and just had to wait a bit to pick up the computer, so we decided to go eat a light lunch. Can I just say, I don't notice people typically. I think people are great in general... terrifying, but great. Out waiter was a very nice young man with a very beautiful smile and wonderful eyes. He was distracting... I couldn't look at him unless it was absolutely necessary because otherwise, I forgot what I was trying to do. Let me say this again, THAT doesn't happen to me! EVER! It is kind of embarrassing now that I think about it. C'est la vie... it happened.

Friday night we watched a movie with this guy that we had seen is some other movies and Becca referred to him as Hotty-McHotpants. She justified that phrase with that fact that she calls people Crazy-Pants, so why not Hotty-McHotpants? The waiter was also later referred to as such. It became our descriptive word of the day... 

We considered ordering a dessert at lunch. There was this delicious looking salted caramel cake; it had walnuts on top of it. Becca was less than thrilled about this. I will transcribe our conversation as it happened upon realizing there were walnuts on the cake.

Becca: Oh, it has nuts... *sadness*

Me: You can ask for it sans the nuts. Just say, "Get your nuts off my cake".

Now, maybe that is a little vulgar, but it is also hilarious. And she and I had a good laugh about that.

We didn't get the cake...

Sunday morning was nice. We were both exhausted but we got to the train station and bought our tickets and waited for our train to arrive. I have come to realize, as Becca had previously pointed out on Saturday, that I dance around a lot. So, she kindly took a video of me trying to do the Carlton Dance. I do not have it or else I would share it with you. I am not good at this dance. I think no one but Alfonso Ribeiro is actually capable of doing this dance. Church was great. Lunch was fine. Lots of people, so it was hard to find a seat anywhere. But we finally did and even invited strangers to sit with us since seating was so crazy. After lunch we went to the Broadway Flea Market. Somehow we ended up in a terrible traffic jam of people on Times Square. We were barely moving, being pushed by people who were too impatient to move with the crowd. There were moments where you could do nothing but laugh at the stupidity of it all. I felt like we were cattle being led to slaughter. I am pretty sure I have never touched so many people before in my life and I felt gross. Once we made it alive through that; miracle number four? we found somewhere to sit for a while.

It was cold and windy and I saw a woman steal a print that had blown off one of the vender's tables. She wanted to tell us our fortune. We got asked repeatedly if we wanted to be in the audience for SNL and varying comedy thing's. One guy wouldn't let us leave until he pitched the whole thing to us. Legal prostitution came up... Somewhere along the line I think I was insulted... or complimented. I am not sure. I could be a Madame? He frightened me. We watched a guy do spray paint art... Got to the subway, put Becca on her train and went to get on mine.

When I got to my train home I plugged in my phone because it has died AGAIN! I put on my beautiful music and I read my book. Becca called me and I had unplugged my headphones to I could talk to her and when we finished I thought I had plugged my headphone in all the way, but I didn't. I eventually realized that my music was playing loudly for all to hear. I apologized to the girl sitting near me and told her I didn't realize it was playing out loud. She liked the music though (it was Yiruma)  and we talked for a little bit about music and she recommended someone for me to look up. That was my first friendly encounter with a stranger on the train.

All in all, a success. An enjoyable weekend despite the crazy stuff. Becca and I always make the best of it and we laugh and we dance and we sing and obviously aren't New Yorkers because we are polite. She apologizes a lot to people. I say thank you all the time. We just must be too Southern to fit in exactly. But I am okay with that. I could go on for a long time about this weekend, but this is already outrageously long. So I will spare you. I hope you enjoyed my weekend as much as I did! :D

ADVENTURES ABOUT MANHATTAN

Today was a lovely day. So much adventuring and shenanigans. The good kind of shenanigans.

Rebecca and I went into the city this morning to attend Hillsong NYC. Sidebar, SPECTACULAR church! End sidebar... We missed our train this morning and had to delay an hour and wait for the next train into Grand Central Terminal. Not a big deal. We walked about Mamaroneck for a little bit to pass the time. Most of the shops weren't open though.

Once we got to church we found seats, just barely, and settled in. The church is in an old club/bar. There was a disco ball. And chandeliers. And so many people. And they gave us water and m&m's. The worship was wonderful. The message was wonderful. The atmosphere was wonderful. Suffice it to say, Hillsong NYC was wonderful. We found our new church.

After church... Lots of walking, lots of laughter. Lots of good times. I will share some funny things that happened.

Walking into a store... or something, I don't even remember where we were now. But we had to go through a revolving door. And really quickly Becca jumped into the door right behind an Asian woman. And for ever so brief a moment the woman was stuck with Becca in the door. I died with glee.

We saw a man face plant after falling off his bike. I am pretty sure he broke his face and teeth. I felt very sad for him. But when talking about how on earth such a thing happened; because he was on the sidewalk and there really didn't seem to be a logical reason for him to fly at the ground with his face, something got lost in translation. Becca said that there must be ghost holes and that is why he fell. He ran through a ghost hole. But I didn't hear her correctly... I head ghost TOLLS. And I got this image in my head of invisible tolls that need to be payed and he didn't pay, so the spikes shot up and popped his tires and thus the flying at the ground with his face... That gave us a good chuckle. Also, Becca asked if we should go over to him, but he was across the street from us and he had like seven other people helping him. Did we do the right thing?

Word of the day used correctly in a sentence; rapscallion. It was the best word that was used ALL day.

This morning while waiting for the train into the city, we were sitting on a bench and the express came shooting passed us. Becca's hair went flying into my face and her train tickets got swooshed up in the commotion of the wind from the train. It was flying about and she screamed, "My ticket!" But I grabbed it before it could escape us. That whole ordeal amused me.

This morning when talking with each other, filling each other in on different happenings in the time since we last saw each other... At some point while I was speak I said "aboot" out of nowhere. I stopped mid sentence shocked at the word that just accidentally emerged from my mouth. I have no idea how such a thing could have happened. We laughed about it for a good minute.

At the church, the atmosphere is very hip and young. Lights and music and a disco ball. I told Becca I felt like I was at a club. And that this was probably the closest I'd ever be to going to a club... church.

There were so many more hilarious and wonderful things that my mind has now lost and I cannot remember in order to transcribe them here for your enjoyment. For that I apologize.

Just know that it was grand.

A GRAND DAY.

THEY LOVE ME! THEY WANT TO KEEP ME!

I have been highly blessed with some serious confidence boosters the past couple of weeks.

I have to admit... it feels nice.

I'm not that girl that get's consistently praised and complimented. I'm that person that dishes out the affirmations and encouragement. I'm not complaining. I love being that person. It brings me so much joy to be that person! But it really is nice to be on the receiving end of kind words and expressive excitement.

I have been complimented on my photography, the yummy-ness of the food I am cooking each night, my taste in music and books, my vocabulary, my varying interactions and responses to situations with the kids, and that's to name a few...

If you know me at all, or if you are my mother, then you know what a HUGE deal it is that I am cooking each night; healthy, tasty food. There was a time when I couldn't boil water properly, let alone make an entire meal. Out of necessity comes ability... Or something like that. Either way, I am cooking, which isn't really me; and they are loving it. I was told my green beans are the "best I've ever had". Thank you... thank you very much. *bows and curtsies*

While I am WELL aware that I have superb taste in music and literature, what a glorious thing it is to have someone to share that with! Alie and I have been able to bond so easily because of our mutual love for music, reading, and writing. I am astonished at her interest in thing's that I so dearly love but her peers aren't even aware exist. She is so smart and advanced for her age. She keeps me on my toes.

It was not until recently that I have been able to take ownership and proudly profess that I AM a photographer and I am good at it. It is something I am so passionate about and it is wonderful to hear someone say that they like your work. It is nice to hear someone say, "...you are talented". I don't think it is necessary for me to hear that to believe it... not anymore, anyway. But goodness it IS wonderful to hear.

There have been some crazy days with situations that, by the grace and blessings of God, have really shown to my bosses what an asset I can be to their family. Stan breaking his wrists and the way I handled that situation; which to me doesn't seem like something that needed thanking for, Alie having anxiety issues and whatnot... I don't think I am doing anything extraordinary, but Anne-Marie and Vianney seem to think so. Whatever it is I am doing right... I can't really take credit; God is to blame for any ability I have had to handle these different predicaments.

Tonight it was professed that they want me to stay forever. It is a wonderful feeling to be wanted. To know that I am doing something I love and that those that I work for WANT me to stick around. Not just for a few months, not for a year, but indefinitely. Three years at least if possible. I know that situations can change, but for now... They want me. And that feel's good. The excitement that each of the kids expressed when it was said that it was my intent to stay until I am no longer needed gave me joy inexplicable. What a blessing!

I don't HAVE to have compliments from the people around me to feel good about myself and what I am doing; but it feels nice to have them.

ADVENTURES IN FINDING THE PEDIATRIC URGENT CARE

Today started out just like every other day...

Wednesdays are my busy days. I have laundry to do, Ade has gets out of school at 12:45, I had to pick up a few things at the store, Stan has Soccer practice and I have to pick up each of the kids at three different times. Wednesday's are never boring, that is for sure.

This Wednesday decided to switch the flip a bit. Today, Stan broke both his wrists... BOTH! I am really not sure how often that happens. Fortunately the breaks are minor and won't take long to heal. But in the interim, he can't really do much of anything for himself. He will need help bathing, dressing, eating... poor boy. While I know that he will eat up the attention, there is a certain degree of pride one has about being able to bathe oneself, or use the restroom unattended. For now, Stan can't afford to have that pride.

He arrived home from soccer early; someone drove him due to his getting hurt. We put ice on both wrists, I gave him Motrin, I asked him to move his wrists and fingers so we could get an idea about his range of motion and the possible extent of damage. He was in a lot of pain; and I must admit, I thought he was feigning it a bit for the attention. It's a middle child thing... I let his mother know what happened and she said to take him to the pediatrician down the road. I ended up in the next village at first. Then came back and still was clueless, but finally had the wherewithal to ask Siri to find me an urgent care. Turns out I drove past it like four times.

Upon arrival they wanted Stan's insurance card, which I didn't have. I had the number, but that wasn't good enough. So I had to get his mother to e-mail pictures. That took a whole mess of time. Paperwork, questions, thing's I don't know and feel ashamed about not knowing... It was special. However, the nurse at the desk was very friendly and welcomed me to New York and was very patient with us.

I had high hopes and was very confident in telling Stan I really didn't think his wrists were broken, they were probably just sprained badly. I shouldn't have ever opened my big mouth. The Doctor comes in and, BAM! Who proves my diagnoses wrong? The DOCTOR. Imagine that, right?

Stan has been a good sport about it for the most part. We got some good laughs in and even made up a wonderful story about how he broke both wrists that involves deep sea fishing on the COAST of South Carolina and, an epic battle with a sword fish. Nothing at all close to what actually happened... a tragic soccer accident. 

So, it looks like the next few weeks will be a bit different than normal. But, that's life, right?

C'est la vie.

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO MOVE ON?

Have you ever been close to someone and then suddenly they aren't in your life anymore and you're not quite sure what went wrong?

Despite attempts to rekindle that friendship or reconnect with that person, you always seem to come up empty handed...

At times you think it isn't worth your time to continue attempting to make a connection, you say you are done putting yourself out there when there is no reciprocation. You even get angry and bitter, perhaps.

But for some reason or another, you never do give up. They are always hovering in your thoughts, always showing up on your radar. You even try to avoid certain things so that the sting of that rejection can't be felt, but it doesn't work.

I believe there is reason a for that. I can't say what that reason is. I wish I could. But I believe that if you were one close to someone and you are no longer close but they are constantly in you thoughts, you miss them, you find you wish they were around; I think there's something to that.

Maybe it's better not to give up...

WELL, I GOT TROUBLES A'PLENTY...

Who doesn't... really?

Everybody has something going on at any given moment in their life.

I think we forget that and we are harsh and unkind because we don't remember what it feels like at times to be going through something.

We should work harder to be kinder to other people.

Today my heart is heavy with the pain felt by another. In my attempts to offer some kind of relief from the pain, I searched for scriptures that may offer some solace in this time of uncertainty and sadness. What I found kind of blew my mind, for lack of a better expression...

John 16:33

"I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

As I read and reread this scripture I just felt like the Lord chuckled. He says, "TAKE HEART! I HAVE OVERCOME THE WORLD"! Those two sentences; I just hear Him with a huge grin on His big face, speaking so matter of fact like. "I have OVERCOME the world." I hear Him laughing at this statement which He prefaces with the fact that we WILL have troubles in this life and in this world... But OH! He has OVERCOME the world and the troubles are ultimately so trivial. A sliver in an otherwise great, wide existence.

Any trouble that you meet in this day or the next or whenever you may meet trouble; remind yourself that God Himself has overcome the world and your troubles will soon subside and He will be victorious over your life. He will bring you "peace that surpasses all understanding" (Philippians 4:7) and joy that brings alive the trees and mountains to worship the living God (Isaiah 55:12).

I myself need this reminder. I need it all the time. It breaks my heart and fills me with hope all at the same time. Knowing that I have someone to count on when I can't count on anyone else. Knowing that He has given me His Word to encourage and cheer me forward in this walk or race is beyond explaining. There are no words for the wonder and awesomeness that is our God.

And He cares about little ol' ME?!

He cares enough to fill His Word with so much encouragement and reassurance. Knowing that sometimes we do need a reminder. I believe He understands us far better than we give Him credit. Thinking on the fact that He KNOWS me, really and truly, better than even I know myself, is mind boggling!

So while you may have troubles  flying out of your ears, remind yourself that they will pass and God has it all under control. When it gets hard to remember those things and you find yourself losing your composure, beginning to despair and subdue yourself to the sadness, read His Word. It will always help. I will even help get you started.

Psalm 29:11

The Lord gives strength to His people; the LORD blesses His people with peace.

Isaiah 55:12 (as referenced above)

You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands.

John 14:27

Peace I leave with you; My peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubles and do not be afraid.

II Thessalonians  3:16

Now may the Lord of peace Himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you.

Romans 15:13

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Philippians 4:6-7 (as referenced above)

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.