ASKING THE BIG GUY SOME BIG QUESTIONS

ASK QUESTIONS

"I have big questions. And those questions are turning into doubts about this world and mortality and God and eternity."

Above is something I had written down in a note in my phone some time back.

I find that we are rarely encouraged to ask questions and explore our beliefs as Christians. In most cases we are expected to take what we are told by our Pastors and leaders as a solid truth without question. I don't know about you, but I am human... I make mistakes. I say thing's I ought not to say, I think thing's I ought not to think, and I do thing's I ought not to do sometimes. Our leaders and Pastors are also human; even though it sometimes seems they are some kind of supernatural being with ultra righteous powers. The fact still remains, we are human... 

Fallible.                                                     Fleshly.                                                      Finite.

In the recent weeks I have been making a constant, conscience effort to simply talk to the Lord. It is something that I have not done in some time because of anger and bitterness deep rooted in my own heart. I can see though that the Lord really is changing me to the very core of my existence. I am asking questions. I am reading the Word, researching and looking for answers to my eternal questions. I am not sure one can say they truly believe something without first having looked into it and asking all the hard questions. I am not sure why it is we are often told to just accept something because a "Godly" person says it is truth. That is the hard thing about scripture. It is so easy to twist and manipulate and interpret into something that you want it to say. That is, if you are not seeking the Lord in the scripture but rather searching for your own point. I believe that somewhere along the way we took God out of scripture. And in His place we put in the thing's that we WANT the scripture to say dependent on the circumstance we are trying to fit.

Today I spent some time talking with someone that did encourage me to ask questions. He spoke about thing's that have been on my mind and in my heart for some time. Thing's like, what is the point in this scripture? What are You trying to say? Thing's like what is love really? What is grace? How do I model my life after someone I have never seen? How do I know that all this is true and not something more fallible men decided to write one day? Creation... I'm not sure that makes much more sense to me than the Big Bang. How are You a good God with all the horrible thing's happening in the world? Aren't you supposed to know everything before it happens? FIX IT! Why should I trust You? What have you ever done to make me have faith in You? 

All of these thing's I have thought at one time or another. 

And many Christians would wave their finger in my face and tell me

how wrong I am to be asking such questions.

"Just have faith. Just take my word for it. Believe my truth or go to hell."

Whether or not you will admit that you have likely had similar thoughts is completely  inconsequential. We all have questions. We all have doubts. Why not ask the Big Man Himself? He is after all, Big. I think He can handle it. He can deal with me struggling sometimes.

As I continue to seek Him and who He is and what His will is for me and how all this can make any sense at all; I am learning! I am learning about grace and humility and love and purpose. If I walk through this life and never once ask questions, then I won't learn. As I seek to know and understand (to the best of my ability) the Word of Life and all the bits of wisdom and truth it holds, I begin to see God; really see Him and his divinity. His glory. His righteousness. His hope and purpose for me. I don't always get the answer that I want, or an answer comes much later or sooner than expected, but I am seeing that He answers me. And THAT is goodness. And THAT is faithfulness. And THAT is love.

ASK YOUR QUESTIONS. I DON'T DOUBT HE'LL ANSWER...

REVELATIONS AT THE BEACH

THE GLORIOUS SUN

Yesterday, when I was at the beach in Jacksonville, Florida I walked on the shore collecting shells for a project I plan to shortly undertake. The sun shone bright and hot but the water was cool and refreshing. There were clouds in the sky here and there, but very few and none sheltered me from the sun. Until one moment, a cloud moved in front of the sun and cast a shadow on all bellow. That is not an uncommon occurrence, not something people tend to pay much attention to. For one reason or another I looked up into the sky to see the cloud that had provided me a solace from the harsh rays of the sun. What I saw was absolutely, gloriously stunning. I am not sure I will have words adequate enough to describe the appearance that this cloud took on. The cloud seemed to have shrouded the sun perfectly, with the sun in the direct center of the cloud. If you are at all familiar with the term "contrast" and what it does to an image you can maybe imagine a bit. The detail of the cloud was so crisp and full. The sun shone and illuminated every small detail of the cloud. It created dark lines of detail. The cloud thinned and billowed out from the center and toward the ends, amidst the highly contrasted cloud was a radiant blue, orange, yellow color where the sunlight attempted to break forth through the cloud cover. It was like the cloud was a giant, billowing flame. I have never seen anything like it. I wish I had my camera on me to capture that moment. It was one of the most beautiful, unique things I have ever seen. And I was just in awe of the art the Lord had put on display for those that may choose to notice. I probably looked like a fool standing there looking straight up at the sky for so long. But that beauty was well worth it.

THIS UNFORGIVING PAGE

THIS PLACE IS...

My thoughts, musings, words... 

"They're just pieces of my brain scrawled out upon the unforgiving page.

 My truth in the rawest form. Unguarded, unapologetic, undeniably me."

Driving home from Jacksonville this evening I saw a sight and thought a thought

and here I lie it out on the "unforgiving page". My truth...

As the sun slowly set and the world around began to turn dark, perhaps for the first time I took notice of the beauty in the darkness arriving. The sky ever so lightly illuminated by the setting sun; for a brief time all turns from tangible, dimensional color to a beautiful silhouette. The sky, still blue, with tinges of color while the world around slowly turns black.; that darkness holds a deep and fleeting beauty to me.

Driving home from a beautiful day spent with an old friend and two new acquaintances, I  pondered on the day itself. Today was a good day. Those have been few and far between for me. Today I had FUN. Today I felt alive and I felt seen. Today, I was exactly who I am, no apologies, no guarding myself and it felt liberating to say the very least. I suppose, to put it simply and in the most honest terms; today I felt alive again.

And I must say, I liked it...

SARCASM AND PLEASANTNESS

I'M SORRY, I'M NOT SORRY...

I grew up in a home where sarcasm was a necessity to life.

To keep up or be able to have any say in a conversation you needed only to be louder than the other people around and quick witted to boot. While that quick wit CAN be advantageous, more often than not people take it offensively and think you are a horrible human being.

I am the fourth of five children. I have two older brothers, one older sister, and one younger sister. My father is quite possibly the most sarcastic person I know.

This, we inherited from him. My mom is all sweetness and Jesus. I like to think I am balanced.
Jesus and sweet, sweet sarcasm. :D My second brother and my younger sister and I received from my father the sarcasm gene... in spades.

I have had to learn, often the hard way that my sarcasm is not often appreciated in the world apart from my immediate family. And let's face it, some of my immediate family don't appreciate it either. Through years of sarcasm "training" I can say something completely snarky with an absolute straight face and serious tone and people actually BELIEVE me! Perhaps it is because I have the face of an angel that could never lie. Perhaps a lot of people are stupid. Either way... some people think I am awful because of my sarcastic genes.

When it comes to sarcasm I do not have a filter that often works. I am sorry. But I'm not sorry. I hate that you are offended. I really hate it for you... I wish there was some way to make your brain understand or keep up. I will have to look into inventing some kind of cure for the sarcasm deficient. 

Anyway, the entire point in this post was simply that I am sorry if you don't like me because my wit and sarcasm baffle, anger, or bemuse you. (And yes, I am aware that baffle and bemuse have the same meaning, they just sound so good together; and lets face it, some people are doubly confused). It has never been my intention to hurt anyone with my sarcasm. I am aware that it sometimes happens. For that, I AM sorry. I am not a horrible person. I am not trying to hurt you. I just am the way I was raised to be... For that, I cannot and shall not make apologies. If I stopped, I would likely be killed... "or worse, expelled"! (If you understand that, YOU WIN AT LIFE)!!!

EVER YOURS,      -CAIT

WORDS, WORDS, WORDS

Bellow are some tidbits I have written recently. Small pieces of whatever it is that was going on around me at the time; my reactions or emotions or thoughts concerning each thing. Some anger, some hope, some dreaming, some nothing...

Waves dance across the ocean face

Bounding; reaching for the sky

Flowing inward from the deep

A farewell kiss to the shore

***

The wind kisses her face

Gently breezing by

The sun plays softly on her lips

Singing out the glory of the day

***

Goodnight, goodnight sweet sandy shore

I bid thee farewell for now

The deep is calling sweetly my name

 I must away, you must allow

***

Bending, folding

Always molding

Kissing the shore ado

Weeping, sweeping

Never to be sleeping

The ocean's call to you

Feeling, stealing

Deep waters healing

Refresh and start anew

***

Kiss me softly while I bask in your warm embrace

Hold me tightly, don't let me fade

Love me tenderly, the way that I deserve

Glance slowly upon all that you observe

And I will do the same for you...

***

It often feels lifetimes ago. And yet, my heart still aches for the loss. Emotion is raw and fresh within me. My heart breaks again at the thought. I wonder will I ever truly and completely let go? Or will this pain ever linger; a dark reminder of the deep scars left behind? A penance for the loss long past but never forgotten...

***

You have betrayed me in the truest of fashions. Don't tell me you have love for me when your behavior berates and belittles me. Don't pretend to be for me when your actions pent you against me.

***

A time will near when all things come to light and you WILL be held accountable for the mistruths that you spoke and the lives that you aggrieved in the process.

***

Hope is alive today

And it whispers into my soul

"Things will get better..."

My spirit listens delicately

Awakening and coming to life

And from deep inside; a response...

"I'm going to be okay"

YOUR LIES WONT DEFINE MY LIFE

I AM DONE!

I am done with your lies and the way you try and disguise and call them truth.

I am done allowing your lies to become my truth.

For far too long I bought into your manipulations and truly questioned myself.

My sanity, my intentions, my heart...

I am done letting your lies make me feel like I am crazy.

I am done with letting your lies make me feel I am delusional.

I know my truth! And I won't let you manipulate me any longer.

ELOQUENTLY PUT, HENRY DAVID THOREAU

INSIGHTS FROM THOREAU

"... if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. He will put some things behind, will pass an invisible boundary... and solitude will not be solitude, nor poverty poverty, nor weakness weakness. If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them."
-Walden by Henry David Thoreau, Conclusion, Paragraph 5


"Direct your eye right inward, and you'll find
A thousand regions in your mind
Yet undiscovered. Travel them, and be
Expert in home-cosmography."

-William Habbington, To My Honoured Friend Sir Ed. P. Knight, as written in Walden

"No face which we can give to a matter will stead us so well at last as the truth. This alone wears well. For the most part, we are not where we are, but in a false position. Through an infirmity of our natures, we suppose a case, and put ourselves into it, and hence are in two cases at the same time, and it is doubly difficult to get out. In sane moments we regard only the facts, the case that is. Say what you have to say, not what you ought. Any truth is better than make-believe."
-Walden by Henry David Thoreau, Conclusion, Paragraph 12

"However mean your life is, meet it and live it; do not shun it and call it hard names. It is not so bad as you are. It looks poorest when you are richest. The fault-finder will find faults even in paradise. Love your life, poor as it is. You may perhaps have some pleasant, thrilling, glorious hours, even in a poorhouse. The setting sun is reflected from the windows of the almshouse as brightly as from the rich man's abode; the snow melts before its door as early in the spring."
-Walden by Henry David Thoreau, Conclusion, Paragraph 13

"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth."
-Walden by Henry David Thoreau, Conclusion, Paragraph 15