THE LIFE LEFT BEHIND

RECOLLECTIONS...

The pondering's of sleepless nights.

Fighting with my own thoughts and feelings.

Making conclusions and observations about this life.

... and the one left behind.

When you think about the past; relationships, people, happenings... Are your memories of a pleasant nature or an unpleasant nature? I have come to the conclusion that whichever of those is the case for you should tell you all you need to know about the person, relationship, or circumstance of which you are remembering.

If your recollections are mostly of a negative nature than those are, sadly, the thing's that stick out and meant most to you. If you think back on a relationship and all you can remember about it is the anguish or turmoil you felt and you cannot remember a time that you were genuinely happy, I'd say that is a pretty clear picture of what that relationship is... or was. When you cannot remember the good things, than the good things were not good enough to keep you from letting go.

Letting go... even in a negative situation, is a really hard thing to do.

Separating pieces of you from within yourself and casting them aside is painful.

But not always as painful as the memory that caused you to begin the tearing away.

So we get to decide which pain we would rather handle.

And I suppose that is different for each person.

What I have learned from my recollections and my letting go is that it does get easier. The pain eventually lessens or somehow becomes more bearable and you start to move forward. And that really is all you can ask; to be moving forward. And to learn from it all.

OH, MY TENDER HEART

LAST NIGHT...

I lay in bed pondering in a desperate attempt to make the minutes pass by so that I could find some solace within the arms of sleep. It was well past one in the morning and I was desperately tired, so I decided not to get back up and write. Here are my pondering's.

I have never been that girl that get's noticed or hit on (to my knowledge anyway).

I am exceptionally tall (I think that throws people off).

I don't have the body of a Victoria Secret model.

My eyebrows always seem out of control because it hurts so bad to pluck them.

My pores are huge.

My finger nails are always short and broken.

My smile is funny.

My teeth aren't straight.

I have a weird laugh.

...

But my heart.

Oh, my heart is tender and caring and beautiful.

I love abundantly and unconditionally.

I listen wholeheartedly.

I speak the truth to the very best of my ability.

I try to be a servant in all thing's.

...

My heart is not held to the same standard of beauty as my physical appearance. And that is idiotic. The heart is where absolute beauty lies.

...

I am a good person. I can say that wholly, without feeling arrogant or self-righteous because it is true. I AM a good person.

But that isn't enough for people.

And I don't like that.

I should be judged by the content of my spirit, not the size of my boobs.

I should be judged by my treatment of other's, not the shape of my body.

I should be judge by no one but God.

...

We live in a world where we are expected to be Pamela Anderson's when we should be trying to be Audrey Hepburn's.

Sadly, we traded in class, grace, poise, and love for skimpy, slutty, skanky, hatred.

That is not okay...

...

I definitely don't want to attract the type of man that is looking for a Pam Anderson.

But I want to be attractive. I want to be wanted. I want to be noticed.

It is nice to stick out to someone. To be chosen, I suppose.

That has never been me... It kind of hurts.

...

Going back into a world where there are these outrageous dating standards is intimidating. It is hard to put yourself out there with the high chance of rejection. And I know all about rejection... I guess the whole point in this is that I am scared. I want to be wanted and I am afraid that won't happen. Even if I am a Pam (not that I ever would be, I prefer Audrey all the way).

...

At some point you have to get close enough to see my heart.

And maybe you will see my pores as well... cause they are THERE!

But will you choose to notice my physical attributes and hold them higher than my spiritual attributes? I deserve to be read through, not simply glanced over based on the cover (yep... THAT book analogy; I definitely just did that).

LIVING AND LEARNING

LEARNING TO BE ALONE...

I believe that we should never stop learning. I believe that even the most minute of experiences can teach us. When you stop learning, you stop living.

Right now, the lesson is being alone and being okay with alone. While I would not say it is healthy to always be alone and never speak to anyone else, there can be a lot gained from time spent alone. Extended time that is, not simply a few minutes here and there.

I am a shy person by nature. I bit of a skeptic. In most cases it takes me time to warm up to any one person. I like the quietness that comes with being alone. I like the solitude and the ability to think unhindered thoughts. However, I also truly hate to be alone. Just to know that someone else is nearby is enough for me, typically.

But I have been in a foreign place the past several weeks. I know not a soul here. My only company is a Golden Retriever and a King Charles Spaniel. I spend most of my time in the house. My phone reception is not too splendid within said house. So, my communications with the outside world via telephone are minuscule at best.

Being all alone in this massive State where I know not a soul and everyone owns a gun except me, has been trying to say the very least. While I do believe that there is a lot to be gained from my time here; I am already always in my head, which secludes me from other's, so this is just adding to that... and to a point it begins to become unhealthy. Venturing out alone is terrifying and not nearly as enjoyable as when you are with other's. Sharing an experience is part of the experience after all...

My mother is worried about me. I believe that she is not alone in her worry. Being so secluded for so long has been strange. I'm not sure my mother has ever begged me to get out and do something. She pleaded with me the other day to go out. It was strange. I told her I would go just for her. And I did and will continue to do so.

I keep trying to tell myself this has been good. This has been helpful. This time alone as allowed the Lord to spend some much needed alone time with me. But, if I am truly honest, there hasn't been much of that. Tid-bits here and there, yes... But not at all what I was expecting when I came here. I thought that I would have these huge God moments in the quiet and lonesome stillness. I thought that I would gleam some amazing truth or find some helpful scripture or maybe, just maybe He would talk to me a bit.

All is not lost, I still have a week left, we will see what happens. I have, however, learned something; which is my goal in life, by the way. I like to learn new thing's...

I have learned that I can be okay alone. Not, absolute seclusion, no human contact, alone. Just, I am okay. This has been a rough couple of years and I am okay. I could be a mess right now. I was a mess not too long ago. Starting over, alone, with very little to my name, and someone willing to fight to keep it that way is not easy by any definition of the word. But, I am okay. And I will continue to be okay. And it is okay that I am alone. And it is okay that I don't have any money or a car or a job. It is okay that when this is all said and done I will have less than I started with... It is okay.

I can be on my own and be okay. THAT is a valuable lesson to learn. So maybe the Lord didn't descend from the Heaven's upon me and give me some great quest for this new life. He has taught me though. And I am grateful.

MY TRUTHS