"THIS GIFT"

SOMETIMES YOU FIND HOPE...

"This Gift"
GLEN HANSARD

This gift will last forever

This gift will never let you down

Some things are made from better stuff

This gift is waiting to be found

Your heart's in wide receiving

Been too long buried in the sand

Some things require leaving

This gift will fall right in your hand

Just try to understand...

If you long enough

And you don't give up

If you're strong enough

And you don't give up

And you...

You'll be no harbor to the sorrow

Just let it go.

Don't hang your head in sorrow

Don't give up just before you win

Don't wait around for tomorrow

Open up your arms and let it in

This gift will last forever

This gift will never let you down

Some things are made from better stuff

This gift is ready to be found

Just you believe it now 

This gift will last forever

This gift will never let you down

Some things are made from better stuff

This gift is ready to be found

Your heart's in wide receiving

Been too long buried in the sand

Some things require believing

These things just fall right in your hand

Just try to understand

If you long enough

And you don't give up

If you're strong enough

And you don't give up

AND SOMETIMES HOPE BREAKS YOUR HEART...

GRATEFUL

THERE ARE TIMES...

...when you feel especially low. Times when you feel like there is no hope. Usually you begin to feel this way because of something that happened. Something someone said or did, or didn't say or do.

There are times when you are feeling low like this, someone lifts you up. I like to keep moments like that somewhere so that I can recall them when I need to. Often times as a reminder.

I had a conversation with a friend... well, I actually, I didn't say much of anything. But my friend overloaded me with encouragement  And I believe that the thing's she said do not apply solely to me. I believe that other's can benefit from hearing the same. Maybe you are in a similar position and just need some encouragement. I hope that you find that here.

"God is what matters here and He will move on your behalf. Helen Keller was quoted, 

'When one door of happiness closes, another opens; 

but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.' 

You aren't too far gone. That's not who you are. These circumstances suck, I agree. But don't you dare let people steal your legend from you. God made you, He's for you. These circumstances are a drop in your life's bucket. A drop! The bucket still needs to be filled. And you have what it takes. I've seen it. I believe you can do what you need to do to be happy. I saw a girl in Walmart yesterday. I thought she was you. She was pregnant and had a toddler on her hip. Let me tell you something. You have a future. It's beautiful. Don't you give up, because one day the tide is going to turn. And it will be for a future and a hope. I HAVE NO DOUBTS about that for you. You are too pretty, too talented, too kind. God doesn't make people like you to hide them away behind turmoil. He wants you to be seen and heard. And He wants you to be happy. It makes me angry because I see a beautiful person that knows God and you are worth so much more than any of this. God cares and knows exactly what you are feeling. Please go yell and scream and cry to God. Go tell Him whatever it takes to release your pain so He can turn those ashes into beauty. I beg you to pray and ask God almighty to help you see the good even in this situation. There is good, the good is YOU."

Such encouragement could not have come at a better time. This is one of those times that I needed some kind of reassurance. This is one of those times that I needed some kind words to remind me that it will be okay. That I will be okay; because I don't always believe that is the case. I hope that if you read this you were able to gain something from it. You can never hear enough times that you are important and loved.

SAFELY INSIDE MY LITTLE BOX OF WOES

Do you know what it is like to be so trapped that if you become free you know that it will be the end of you? 

The one thing that is keeping you alive is the very thing from which you want to escape. 

You know that if you escape the bondage of your capture everything you ever thought you knew would soon be tested by fire. 

There is solace in remaining in the shackles because at least you are familiar with them. 

In fact, you have even come to love them. 

You love your capture for keeping you chained and beaten down because at least you know what to expect. 

With freedom comes a whole new world of surprise and mystery. 

And that is even more scary than the possibility of dying where you are now. 

You are crippled by the fear of the unknown. 

And since you can NEVER know what will come if you become free, you stay trapped; ultimately by fear of the unknown...

Why can't you just make the leap?

THE MOMENT THAT GOD SPEAKS

WHEN YOU CRY OUT INTO THE DARKNESS...

I have become so jaded that I no longer expect a reply.

That is problematic. That is disbelief... I used to believe. I used to know. I used to have faith. I wasn't jaded. I wasn't angry. I would cry out and know that I would

receive and answer; even if it was not immediate. I had trust.

I have been in a difficult place for a while now. I cannot pray. I cannot speak to God. I cannot read His word. My anger has withdrawn me. And the very fact that I know all of this and yet have done nothing about it disappoints me. I have allowed myself to remain stuck. But why? Because it is familiar. Because it is easier than the alternative. Because I am weak and I am a coward and I am fearful. I can use this place as a crutch for now. An excuse as to why I cannot be a certain way or do certain things. It keeps me in a place where I can at least think I hold no responsibility for anything. I cannot share the word of God with others when it is not in my own heart. I cannot care for the broken when I myself am broken. So I stay here... I stay here so I do not have to do what we are called to do. But WHY?!?

I do not believe... and that breaks my heart. 

I remember what it felt like to believe. I remember how it felt to know that I was a daughter. Loved. Set apart. But I have forgotten those things. I have forgotten how it felt. I have forgotten what I once knew in my heart of hearts. 

But last night as I cried out into the darkness... I spoke to the Lord. I told Him that I know I need to try. I need to read. I need to make an effort. But I didn't even have to for Him to answer me. He answered me the way He knows that I need to be answered. Through music. It touches my heart far deeper than most anything could. I listen to calming instrumental music when I go to sleep. I recently made a new playlist that I named "Sweet Serenity". I put only about fifty songs in it to begin with. I have had the song for years and never once heard it. Not sure where it even came from really.

My alarm went off this morning but I did not want to get up. I didn't sleep well last night so I told myself it was okay to sleep a little late and get to work a little later as well. 

Just today... So I slept a little more. And when I woke again a little while later this song was playing. I woke right at the moment when Graham Cooke was speaking the words: 

I have come to ravish your heart
And you, Beloved
You are no longer strong enough to resist me
All things hurtful
I have dealt with in the blood
All things needful
I will pour out over your life
One thing, one thing is necessary
Live at my feet
And rest
Let my peace ease your mind
My love calm your heart
Let go… Let go... Let go...

And I began to cry at these words that I knew were being spoken directly to me. For me. Words that I have not heard in a very long time. Words that I have needed to hear for a very long time. Words that mean so much more than any words ever have. Words that are not simply words, but a promise. A proclamation. As I listened on, each verse he spoke out just hit deeper and deeper and deeper. I could feel my heart breaking as the tears flowed softly on... The breaking was good though. It was a stone shell breaking loose from the tender organ like the icecaps break off and fall into the deep darkness beneath. Vanished! And all I could think was that I need to share this! Other's need to hear these words! They mean SO much!

My Love. My Beauty
You stand in a puddle, when I would give you a lake
You dwell in a river, when I would give you the oceans of the world
You have yet to hear and to see and to know of the majesty of my love
For you are yet poor in spirit
But I have saved the best til now
I love you as the sacrifice loves the one being saved
Greater love has never been seen
I love you as the King of Lovers
I smile over you my great Beauty
I have not yet loved you as I would
For you have withheld your heart
But I have come to overwhelm you
To conquer you again
You are helpless against me
You are incapable of denying my passion
For I am the Bridegroom
And my love is strong as death
Open your heart an inch and I will take a mile
For you can no longer deny my advances
I have come to ravish your heart
And you, Beloved
You are no longer strong enough to resist me
All things hurtful, I have dealt with in the blood
All things needful, I will pour out over your life
One thing, one thing is necessary
Live at my feet... And rest
Let my peace ease your mind; My love calm your heart
Let go… Let go… Let go…
Of the past. The pain. The problem
Turn your back on it, as you face me
And you and I together. We will face the rest of your life
And there will be a new joy and a different peace
And a greater rest than you have ever known
For the days of fulfillment are upon you
That which I have created you for
That which I have apprehended you for
Is fast coming upon you
For these are the days of the Bridegroom and the Bride
The days of Love everlasting
And all that you have passed through
All that you currently endure
It’s all for the good
Because I am coming!
And many will say yet now
“The King is coming! The King is coming!”
But I tell you there is a day not long hence
When your eyes will be opened and you will say 
“The King is here!” “The King is here!”
And you’ll say it in awe, “The King is here!”
You’ll say it in wonder, “The King is here!?”
For I am coming
And My love will under-gird your life
And your heart will be filled again
And all the promises I ever spoke
Will come true on that day when I come
And I am coming!
And I’m coming for YOU!
I am coming for those who are full
And I am coming for those who are empty
I am coming for those who are tired and weary and burned out
For there is a refreshing in the presence of the Groom
Because the Lover is coming
Who will touch and refill your heart
For My heart longs for you
And because My heart longs for you you are able to long for Me
But these are days of fulfillment Beloved
Days of dreams coming true and Words coming to pass
I have not yet loved you as I would
But I will! Oh, I will. I will. I will.
I will love you as you deserve to be loved
I will love you in the way that you were created to be loved
And in that day that you will know, that you will know, that you will know, that you will know
That you... yes you... Are the Beloved of God
I have not yet loved you as I would
But I WILL
And you will be able to receive it

Enigma...

I am "a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma"...

Even though the above quotation was first spoken about Russia by one, Winston Churchill... my thoughts today have been that very thing. 

I am an enigma to myself. Not even I understand my thoughts or my feelings. 

I do not know the things I want. I do not know what or how I genuinely feel most of the time. I do not know where I hold responsibility and where I do not.

Where have I failed? What are my flaws? What do I believe in? What do I stand for?

If anything at all... I baffle myself entirely.

I wonder silently if I am the only one that has this problem? Am I the only one in the entire world that has trouble deciphering my own thoughts? Feelings? Belief? 

There must be others. It is rare that you are truly alone in any kind of circumstance. 

For the most part there are generally multitudes of other people going through a situation exactly like your own... I feel there should be some kind of solace in the fact that I am not alone in this. But there is none. It only solidifies my confusion further.

I begin to ask why there are so many people that are so lost or confused... why do we not understand ourselves? Why can I not answer some of the basest questions in life for myself? That cannot be normal!

I need help. I need hope and faith and love... and I am fresh out. Where do I go from here? Is there an up? Is there an out? Is there a light at the end?

I do not see it...

 Or is it that I simply do not understand it? I cannot grasp it because I am an enigma... and nothing makes sense.

Where is the answer?

SHOWER THINKING

THE BEST THOUGHTS OCCUR...WHEN YOU ARE IN THE SHOWER...


Are you gonna live your live wondering,Standing in the back, looking around?Are you gonna waste your time thinking,How you've grown up, or how you missed out?Things are never gonna be the way you wantWords are gonna get you acting sillyThings are never gonna be quite what you wantEven at 25 you gotta start sometimeI'm on my feetI'm on the floorI'm good to go-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-Are you gonna live your live wondering,Standing in the back, looking around?Are you gonna waste your timeGotta make a move, or you miss out-Jimmy Eat World, Crimson and Clover

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
That is one of those undeniable truths... The shower produces the best thoughts. Period. While in the shower I began thinking about my recent decision to follow my heart and chase my dreams. I tend to get analytical about phrases... Where they came from, who came up with them, why? All that. I began to ponder on the phrase "chase your dreams".
That in turn brought about images of myself in hot pursuit of my fleeing hopes and dreams (I am a very visual person). I concluded that the reason we have to chase them [our dreams] is that they are, in fact, fleeing. They are not just going to sit around and wait for you to grab them by the hand or fall into your lap. They are "oft, in the stilly night" And you must away to chase them. You have to work for it. The best thing's in life are like that. They take effort, sacrifice, dedication, loyalty... I could go on and on. 
I am not really sure why I never came to the conclusion before that the thing's I really want out of life will not just be handed to me. God knows that is never how it has worked up to this point... I am done wondering; I am done missing out. I am going to make my move. In fact, I have already begun to make my move. And I look forward to the outcome. Even if that outcome is not exactly absolute success. Because in this, I cannot fail, except by not trying at all. Even if I do not become a published author or a successful photographer I will be proud that I made the effort to achieve the thing's that I want. That is more than most people can say. Not that I am trying to beat anyone else at anything... But I am very proud to say that I am finally following my heart. And I hope that it leads me to a good place. I hope that I am successful in achieving my dreams, but if I am not... I think that is okay too. I am by no means accepting "failure" or saying that I don't have to work super hard because it doesn't really matter... THAT is most certainly not the case. I am just well aware that the thing's I want are extremely difficult to procure. 
Statistics say about five out of twenty five hundred manuscript sample pages a literary agent receives in a years time will actually be picked up by a publisher. About thirty two thousand querie letters lead to the lucky twenty five hundred. And then about ninety eight manuscripts will actually be read before the fortunate few are chosen for publishing. For photography businesses; in the first year, about  sixty percent of photographers are unsuccessful in the field. Of that remaining forty percent, another twenty five percent will fail within the second year. About fifteen percent of those who endure through the third year are successful. Altogether,  those are rough odds. But I dream non-the-less... 

AND SO... HERE'S TO SUCCESS!

AFFIRMATIONS

WISE WORDS...

Over the past couple of day's I have been encouraged and given some lovely advice from various people in my life. I have made some decisions that some may say are less than wise... but to me; I am following my heart, I am chasing my dreams. I am going to do instead of wish I could "do". To have encouragement and people standing with me, saying that I CAN do it; telling me to chase after my dreams and MAKE them come to pass... it is a wonderful feeling. I would like to share the words of advice, encouragement, affirmation...

"Take your dreams and the promises God has put in your heart and declare every day that they will come to pass".

This one comes from a new friend. Someone I have only just met. I work with her. She doesn't know me all that well and I don't know her all that well. But she believes in me and encourages me like someone would encourage a friend they have known most of their life. Might not sound too strange to some... but I don't make friends easily. I don't trust people for the most part and I am painfully shy... So, as you can imagine, getting to know me is not super easy. But when I told this woman that I officially resigned from my job so that I can chase my dreams... She did not chastise me or tell me that I was being unwise to give up a paying job for something that could lead nowhere... NO, she encouraged me, she told me she believes in me and she believes that I will make it. This meant a lot to me. I will not forget this faith that she has placed in me. I cannot.

"There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do" - Freya Stark

This comes from an old friend. Family, really. I grew up with this person. We have seen each other through different trials throughout the ten or so years that we have REALLY known each other. We have parted ways a few times, but always seem to come back together again. I believe in my art. I dream that my art can be my profession. But it isn't enough to just believe in it. I have to do it! This wise quote applies in many areas of life. Spiritually for sure! But it hit me like a revelation concerning my dreams to make a living off of my passion for photography and writing. 

I am going after it. I will not just dream about it any longer. I am going to be pro-active in my story. I am going to at least try to make my dreams come true. What are dreams for anyway but to be made into reality? I want my dreams to become my reality; and they CAN if I only make an effort. And so, here is to making my dreams a reality. So I leave you...

WIDE AWAKE AND DREAMING...

LYRICS THAT SPEAK TO ME

SLEEPING AT LAST, "Turning Page"

I surrender who I’ve been for who you are

For nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart

If I had only felt how it feels to be yours

Well I would have known

What I’ve been living for all along

What I’ve been living for

SLEEPING AT LAST, "Porcelain"

...when I fell to my knees

to sew the damage shut,

I couldn't believe...

a bright, staggering light

came flooding into me

from out of the seams.

so I reached deeper in

and pulled my whole world wide open,

and for each broken mile, a billion

miracles happen at once

in everything... in everything.

SLEEPING AT LAST, "Careful Hands"

Put your coat on, this city trembles.
Keep your chin up, as you untangle God
From cold blood and bruises.

We are X-rays of something broken.
Cursive bloodlines write every forecast
An orchestration Of dissonance and innocent surrender.

When our color dies,
We will bury the ashes of time,
And we will earn new eyes.

SLEEPING AT LAST, "Birdcage Religion"

but time is spinning silk 

that coils ruthlessly; 
with the devil's patience, 
it binds my hands so quietly 
that soon it becomes a part of me. 

so soften these edges and straighten out my tie. 
and help me remember 
the hope that I have compromised.

MOMENTS TO REMEMBER

THE FALL...

As my world comes crashing down around me and thing's become more and more difficult to bear, there is a quell in the storm... I welcome it. Ever so slight as it is, I have learned a great deal from the moment that the chaos slowed and time stopped...

It has been a really rough couple of weeks. And that is just on top of everything else that my life would seem to be at this moment. I honestly don't think I could take much more. I am not even sure how I have managed to make it through thus far. Everyone has those moments... those times when everything you are wants to crumble and it is all you can do to stand up and say "NO"!

It is in those times that we often feel the most alone. I certainly feel alone. And often. This has been a pretty consistent feeling for me, actually. When you find yourself in these moments when you just can't go on and you need support; someone to come and pick you up and help you to carry on, it feels like relief will never come. For me, I had that relief brought to me in ever so subtle a way...

An apology, someone to listen, an "I love you", and a "been thinking about you, how are you"? I don't know about you, but I find that I need some kind of physical affirmation when I am "falling".  That came in four small gestures, from four different people. Three of which really haven't the slightest idea about the goings on in my life at present.

An Apology:

 I never knew before yesterday what someone saying "I am sorry" could do to a person. I have made apologies, I have received apologies, but none to which I ever had quite the same reaction as I did yesterday. I didn't understand why this apology sparked such emotion in me. It really kind of took me over and made me lose my resolve. My wise, wise little sister brought up a very valid point... It was a recognition by this individual that "I hurt you, I was wrong, I treated you poorly, and I am sorry". It makes my feeling about how I was treated valid knowing that this person knows they were unkind and that they are sorry. Aside from an apology this person is also praying for me consistently. It meant a lot to know that this person, that I have not had contact with in over six months can be in tune with the fact that I just needed to hear "I'm sorry and I care about you and I am praying for you".

I know that God has his hand in all of this. I know that He has placed me on the hearts of these four individuals because He knows that I needed what they offered.

Someone To Listen:

I received a phone call from someone dear to my heart on my way home from work yesterday. She had been thinking about me and just wanted to check in. A simple phone call turned into a pouring out of my heart. I was able to say thing's I have been keeping inside and cry tears that I have pent up. Not only that but she ministered to me and prayed over me and spoke life into me. When someone just listens to what you have to say, acknowledges that you are in pain and it is valid and okay to feel the way you do; it really helps the spirit. I can't talk to just anyone, but I can talk to this woman. I love her dearly.

You blessed me by listening and praying; and knowing that you continue to pray for me means the world!

An I Love You:

Have you ever had someone call you just to tell you that they love you? It is pretty spectacular. The coolest part about it is that I know that God has put me on the hearts of these people so that He could speak to me the way that I need to be spoken to. One of the thing's that I find very difficult as a Christian is that I cannot physically hear the Lord talk to me or feel Him or see Him. I struggle so much with it because I too often doubt that He is speaking to me. And knowing you are loved is splendid. And being told randomly is truly lovely. It means all the more coming from the person that it came from; my big brother. As a man, he is the one I tend to look up to and respect the most. He is a good man, and I love him very much.

You've Been On My Mind:

Yet another shining example that God has not overlooked me. It is nice to know that He hasn't. since I so often believe He doesn't notice me. For anyone to show genuine interest in your life is a big deal. People are so very superficial these days. We ask how someone is without actually caring to know the real answer. And we always lie about how we are because we believe that no one actually cares to know the truth. It's a catch 22. But it is nice when you know that someone is asking how you are because there is a genuine interest in knowing the truth. To know that I am being thought about... it feels good. To know that out there, in this crazy world there are people with their own problems, their own life; but they are thinking about me, hoping I am okay and wanting me to know that I am loved. I have been told more times in the past two days that I am loved, than I think I ever have at one time before.

And so, amidst these wonderful blessings bestowed upon me by my God through four very different people; I am trying not to let the chaos take over again. I am trying with all that I am not to fall... I fear it is only a matter of time before I forget the thing's said to me these two day's and fall right back into the dark pit from whence they have dragged me.

But falling doesn't have to be all bad. It is like being broken. Only when we are truly broken can God fix us wholly. Perhaps only once I have fallen completely can God pick me up and set me right again. Maybe...

AND SO I FALL...

KINDRED SPIRITS APART

YOU AND I...

We were supposed to be forever...

You were going to be in my life for the rest of my life. You were going to be my best friend, my kindred spirit, my one and only. You were supposed to be my Judy Luff... Somewhere along the way I lost you.

Despite my attempts at keeping you near me; you have become distant. We have grown apart and that was not supposed to happen. We weren't supposed to grow apart, even being thousands of miles apart.

I'm truly not sure what happened... or how it happened. All I know is that I lost you. And I hate it.

IS THIS FOREVER?

LEMONS TO LEMONADE TO A PUDDLE ON THE GROUND

WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS...

What do you do with them?

For me... I want to say "NO, life! I don't want your stupid lemons and I don't want to make any stupid lemonade either!" You know what I get when I try to make lemonade, I get squirt in the eye and the "lemonade" tastes like sour water... 

I have come to the conclusion, however, that perhaps the reason my "lemonade" doesn't turn out properly is because I start out with a defeatist attitude. I don't believe, from the very beginning, that I will be able to make good "lemonade". Thus, it ends up being sour water and burning eyes.

So what happens if I begin believing in my ability to make "lemonade"? The ever dominant cynic in me wants to say that nothing will change. I still will not be able to do it and I likely will fail even worse this time around. But somewhere, deep in side of me; extremely deep... there is an optimist. That part of me is buried so deep it often loses out to the voice of the cynic, but it is there... ever present and fighting it's way through the deepest, darkest parts of me, trying to win out.

This is the optimist... 

"I can do it. I am going to be okay. Just keep breathing. Thing's will start to get better". 

The optimist speaks in tiny sentence fragments. None the less, they are valid fragments and they sometimes find their way to the surface and help to keep me going.

So, right now, even though I want to say, no more "lemonade", I will instead say, bring on the lemons, cause I can do this!

I can do this!

I can do this!

I can do this!

FLORENCE + THE MACHINE, SHAKE IT OUT

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa
And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

I CAN...