A SONG TO SPEAK FOR ME

A PERFECT DESCRIPTION...

...of all that I feel. 

Black Peppercorns, A Song For Natalia:

Well I saw her bending low down by the water 

Carrying burdens that no man could ever bear 

She said I just lost a part of me 

I lost my child 

And the ghost of the midwives over there still standing by 

Calling all angels to comfort those who mourn 

Unpitied and helpless, she's all alone 

Not a man in the universe, this pain you could never know 

Is this her reward God, for her labors and her troubles 

She's just trying to find peace in the struggle 

She's just trying to find peace in the struggle 

She says hello to the darkness, her closest companion 

Have you come to sing to her with a lullaby of suffering? 

Why do women give and the giving never ceases? 

She's in such a hard place, oh, and she's trying to be brave 

Between the things she wants and the things she has to do 

Oh, give her a token, give her a sign 

A hope of some praise, she can't stand the rejection 

And the dread of shame continually hovers 

Yeah, she's just trying to find peace in the struggle 

She's just trying to find peace in the struggle 

Every time I hear this song or read it's lyrics I am flooded with emotion. It describes, with surprising accuracy exactly how I feel and where I am at. "She can't stand the rejection... And the dread of shame continually hovers".  It is like a never ending torrent of shame and fear and doubt and self-loathing. I wonder, will there ever be a break in the storm? Will the waters stop crashing all around me for a moment, so that I can catch my breath and begin to surface, rather than sink further and further into this ocean of despair and dread? Will the peace ever come? Will the struggle ever subside? Or will it be ever constant; always raging on...

Where is my peace? 

Am I capable of finding it? Does it even exist out there in the chaos and misery that this world has become? Or... am I destined to simply struggle and never find peace? How do I stop feeling alone? How do I keep going when everything is falling to pieces around me? I am a sinking ship; creaking and moaning with the strain of being pulled deeper and deeper. Somewhere up there is hope. Right?

"Unpitied and helpless, she's all alone"

"JAR OF HEARTS"

THIS IS HOW I FEEL...

Wholeheartedly and completely...

I was watching some YouTube videos last Thursday night of previous dances done on "So You Think You Can Dance"; I am a dance fiend, used to dance, wish I still did. I love everything about it. It is beautiful, it tells a story, it moves you and makes you feel something. It transports you and transforms you. It is amazing. Clearly I am a fan. Dance really is not what this post is about though... I watched a dance duet performed to Christina Perri's "Jar of Hearts" which is a favorite of mine. It really does describe how I feel. It explains my feeling in a beautiful, soulful way.

I have ranted about my love for music and sometimes the only thing that makes sense is a song. Sometimes you can't put something into words, but then you hear a song and it is like... "That's it!" I had that moment watching the duet. I had heard the song many times and felt a personal connection to it, but for some reason it suddenly hit me just how much that song was everything that I feel. It is sort of uncanny, really. So, here are the lyrics (the bold grey are parts that speak the most to my feelings).

"Jar Of Hearts"
Christina Perri 

No, I can't take one more step towards you
'Cause all that's waiting is regret
Don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

[Chorus:]
And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

And I've learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

[Chorus:]
And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

Dear, It took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
'Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

[Chorus: x2]
And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?

Who do you think you are?

It's almost sad to admit that this is how I feel...

 But it is the truth. It IS how I feel and I can't change that. Maybe it isn't that it is sad to admit, rather that the fact that it's the truth makes me sad. I think it is more that than sadness for admitting it. It is a sad feeling to have. I'm not sure there's even a good word for it. 

AND SO, THERE IT IS...

DISTRACTIONS

I DON'T HAVE TO THINK ANYMORE...

With work keeping me busy for nine hours out of the day, I find that I have very little time to think about all the thing's that plagued my mind before. It is kind of a relief to not be able to think, I must admit. I don't think I realized just how much so much of what is going on with me was on my mind so consistently and how it was eating at me so intently. Not really having time to think has freed me in a sense...

That probably is not exactly a good thing. I have a lot of thing's I really need to mull over, and I'm not doing that. As for the thing's that were simply torturing me; it is nice to not be ALWAYS thinking about them. Although, that certainly provides for a very boring blog. No thinking means no writing.

Hmmm...

SLEEPING AT LAST:

"Careful Hands"

Put your coat on, this city trembles.
Keep your chin up, as you untangle God
From cold blood and bruises.

We are X-rays of something broken.
Cursive bloodlines write every forecast:
An orchestration Of dissonance and innocent surrender.

When our color dies,
We will bury the ashes of time,
And we will earn new eyes.

Wrists get tired rewriting futures.
Our bodies beg us to be creatures of habit.
We are creatures of habit.

Only with careful hands
We'll turn their fangs into feathers and cures.
Only with careful hands
We'll divide the prisoner
From the pioneer.

Clever beauty,
Umbrellas folding.
In architecture, our lines will measure
A map to find us.
Blue ink will guide us home.

Cranes are creeping, lifting metal,
We will find new ways to settle,
Tipping scales from the killer to its prey.

I can feel the weight around us,
Climbing every rib inside us,
A sanctuary in a lion's mouth

FROM THE OUTSIDE

THE OUTSIDER

This is how I feel; like an outsider, simply looking in.  I feel like I am watching everyone else live and I am stuck on the outside wishing to be on the inside.  This is probably the most cliche' feeling anyone could ever have.  Everyone feel this way, likely multiple times throughout their life.  For me though, I have always felt this way.  I just never felt quite like I belonged.

I quit everything I ever did and truly enjoyed when I was younger.  Thing's that bring me great joy now to watch.  By this time I would be good at those thing's... very good in fact.  By now I would have been dancing or playing soccer for something like fourteen years.  That is a LONG time.  But instead, because I felt like I didn't belong; I felt like an outsider watching everyone else succeed while I failed, I quit.  Sadly the only thing that made me a failure is the fact that I quit.  If only I could have seen then that I would regret it now.  If I had felt like I belonged, like I was one of "them" than I would be doing those thing's that I still love to this day.  Most likely, anyway.

I'm like Ponyboy.  I am stuck in a lonely, abandoned place simply waiting while the rest of the world moves and works and lives.  Waiting is very much like not living...  I am on the outside, looking in.  Observing from a safe distance.  Watching everyone else live.  But because I am watching them, I am not living myself.

It's kind of easier though, observing rather than doing.  I am safer this way.  If I don't get out there and live, then I can't screw up, or get hurt, or die.  If I don't live, I can't die...  What kind of thinking is that!?  It doesn't make sense.  What is the motive behind living this way?

I don't understand why I do this!

HE MOVES IN MY LIFE

LEARNING TO SEE

Tomorrow morning is the first day at a new job. I have been on the job search since December. This job is a Godsend. The way that it all came about is an act of God, there is no denying it. I put in an application last week, received a call on Monday night for a short interview, went to the company on Tuesday morning for a brief face to face; I sat in a boardroom with three other applicants, all of which have prior experience and I was given the job without any further interviews. It is hard not to see God in that.

So what is it I am learning to see? Or needing to learn to see? That God has His hand in my life, despite how I feel about His absence. Though I feel like He doesn't speak to me, He doesn't hear me, He doesn't see me or care or love me... He shows Himself to be faithful. He's got my back, He's looking out for me. I have that head knowledge, I know that He is there, except in my heart, I believe He isn't. Or is it the other way around? In my heart I know He is looking out for me, taking care of me, but in my head, I don't believe it?

The point is... He IS there for me. And I need to see that. Just because I feel disconnected does not mean that He has disconnected. Just because I don't hear Him, does not mean He is not speaking to me. So, I am learning... Learning to see and hear and feel when everything is stacking up against me. I am learning to be grateful even when it seems there is nothing for which to be grateful. I am learning that I am on His grid.

It is a process for sure. And sadly knowing He is there doesn't take away the sadness or anger or fear. Shouldn't it take away the sadness and anger and fear?

So here I go...

I'M LEARNING

MY MUSIC FILLED SPIRIT

MUSIC SPEAKS TO MY HEART

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears

And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears

Get over your hill and see what you find there

With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair

-Mumford & Sons, After the Storm

I love these lyrics. They speak to me on a whole different level than other lyrics have in the past. I think these lyrics speak to me so much because I long for the moment the words so beautifully portray. I long for that time to come when love will not break my heart but rather overtake it and make all my fears succumb to it. I ponder on the time when I will "get over [my] hill" and what will be there when I do. Will the day come that I will find there truly is grace in my heart? What will it look like? What will it feel like? And who doesn't want to have flowers in their hair? I know I sure do.

I long for a time of serenity and peace. More than long for it... I ache for that time. Is it attainable for me on this earth? Or is it something that can only come in the afterlife? I long and ache for the type of love that dismisses fears and fills you with grace and makes you whole. The trouble is, I long for that love in a physical sense; when I know I can have that love in a spiritual sense. In fact, I used to have that. Spiritually. Why is it that that is not enough for me? Why can I not be satisfied with God? Why do I want physicality more than spirituality? 

I have said before that if God would simply speak to me in a physical voice that I could not deny, I would believe. If God would just touch me, hold me physically, I would always turn to Him. If God would only... What a terrible sentence that is. Because I am saying He is not enough. What He does do is not enough. How he does it is not enough. And let's be honest, WHO am I to say He is not enough? I am nothing. Especially without Him.

Just the same, I find myself in this place all the time, telling Him that what He does isn't enough. How He does it is wrong. When He chooses to do it isn't fast enough, or far too fast. Why He even chooses to do something is problematic for me. As I said before, selfishness is the human condition, and I display it quite consistently when it comes to Him and what I expect of Him. And I honestly have no right what-so-ever to expect ANYTHING of Him.

So, as I continue to display my selfish heart, why does He not give up on me? In my heart of hearts I know He has not quit on me yet, even though I often feel that He has. I accuse Him constantly of not being there for me, not speaking to me, not loving me... Even though I know that is not true. I deny even what I know is truth so that I can feel what? Low? Why would I want that? Why do I do that? What is wrong with me? Does anyone have an answer?

Despite what I know... I am still questioning, still angry, still low. Despite what I know I am stuck and I can't get a grip. You would think that I'd have learned something by now. But here I am , still grasping at straws. Doing everything wrong...

WHY?

SENDING UP A PRAYER FOR THIS ACHING HEART...

"YOU'RE ALIVE"

LIFE IS A CRAZY ROLLER COASTER LIKE THING...

Emotions... you know how you stuff them down, deep within and try to forget about them? You know how when you continue to stuff them down, they build upon each other? You know how when they build up and eventually explode like a viscous volcano on a killing spree? That can be an extraordinarily liberating moment; but it can also, for lack of a better word, really suck.

These moments come for me every now and again... Yesterday was one of those "now and again" kind of days. You begin crying for one reason and find yourself losing all control, over EVERY little thing you ever stuffed down. It builds and builds and pressure eventually makes it explode. Then you can't stop it. It simply rages on until you are spent.

These moments... the "now and again" moments have been happening much more increasingly as of late. More often than not they aren't liberating. They make me feel weak and overly sensitive. I found this some time ago on Pinterest.

It certainly reminds me that I am alive. But just the same, I feel lesser.

I have this theory about feeling (in the emotional realm); strictly concerning myself. For quite some time I found myself in a place of utter numbness. Being numb to all that was going on around me, not being able to make a distinct assessment of feeling seemed at the time to be exceedingly aggravating. It bothered me that I couldn't cry over something or feel happy about something. Not too long ago that numbness dissipated and I began to feel, deeply, everything! Being in that place where every small thing makes you feel a severe, deep emotion, was more heart breaking than one may think.

Everything hurt. And I realized that I didn't know which was better. Not being able to feel these deep feelings and emotions I have, or being able to feel so deeply it actually hurts physically. I explained it to my sister once in one of those "now and again" moments. In the midst of utter despair, weeping so much I could not breathe properly; I described to her that my heart physically ached with the raw emotion and feelings I had. I had never experienced physical pain due to emotional duress. It frightened me. It was at that point that I asked her and myself as well... Would I rather be numb or would I rather feel? Which is better? Can one be better? 

That is my current quandary. One I have been deliberating over in my head for months. Maybe this is a very personal question. Maybe no one else has ever pondered over this. Though I find that to be very unlikely. Would I rather ache or be numb? It feels like an eternal question.

There can be beauty in pain. I find it is usually quite difficult to see through the pain to beauty. That may be an issue with my own perspective though. Perhaps I have a harder time than others in seeing. Though, perhaps I don't. I wonder; is there any beauty left within this scarred and broken soul. Or is it all ugliness and selfishness?

All of this makes me feel very alone in my feelings. It is hard not to feel alone. Am I being selfish for feeling alone in something that is likely very commonplace? Is it actually all that I feel truly boils down to selfishness? That IS the everlasting human condition. We are very good being selfish.

I guess I'll have to work that one out for myself...

ANGER FLOWS AND OVERWHELMS

MY CURRENT STRUGGLE

   Presently, the thing I struggle with the most is anger. And that anger stems from a rather large list of life events that collapsed on me all at once. My anger isn't so much an outward manifestation to which others can attest. In fact, I think most people wouldn't have the slightest idea about where my head is at right now. None the less, I am angry and I don't exactly know how to deal with it.

   I used to have a grasp on a few thing's that seemed to keep me pretty sane. At some point those thing's I once was so sure of have faded and now I am lost, grasping at the wall, trying to catch a grip so that I can climb out of the pit in which I find myself residing. What was it that I had a grasp on "once upon a time"? I knew that I was a daughter, that God loved me, that EVERYTHING had a purpose and a time. Even amidst various trials and certain highs and lows; I knew who I was, I was a daughter of the Most High King. I knew what I wanted to be, a lover of the Most High King. I knew that despite the crazy things happening all around me, I was His and He was mine and nothing could ever change that. 

   Despite my assuredness I lost that belief. I long for that relationship that I once had, but I am also angry and I don't have a grasp on those beliefs anymore. What is it that could possibly happen to change this belief so drastically? In the past three years I have landed in a deeper pit than I ever thought possible considering where I HAVE been in the distant past. Why are these event's so much worse than previous trials? There has been tremendous loss...; mostly death related. Is that why I feel so completely and irrevocably lost? Loss will do that. Loss makes you lost; makes you lose yourself.

   So, what loss brought about such change? Loss... of friendships, multiple deaths, three miscarriages, two dogs, and a marriage... Somewhere in the midst of all that there is a deep loss of pride and self-awareness. It would also seem to be the year (or two years) of cancer. Everyone has cancer. I have been blessed however that not a single one of the people I know, small children to elderly people have lost their fight. That is HUGE. But it is outrageous to see how cancer is attacking everyone around you, one right after the other. Even though none have lost their fight, it makes me angry that they are having to fight. It makes me angry that I am not worth fighting for in friendship. It makes me angry that teenage girls can have babies without complication, and women that long for that, that are grown and want a family cannot have one. It makes me angry that my inability to keep a child within my womb has me attach myself so much more to my dogs (my babies) and two of them die within three months of each other in tragic ways. It makes me angry that I am not cherished in a marriage, but beat down and restricted. I AM ANGRY!!!

   Despite the various abuse I have suffered through in this short life, I am still here. Despite the abandonment and loss, I still love. Despite the sickness and attempts on my life, I am still alive. And that is a blessing... right? Why does life have to be such a blessing and a curse? I no longer have a desire or zest for living. I wish I did. I wish I knew how to get that back. But, rather than excitement for life I have anger. Rather than joy and peace I have fear. I am not living whole and I hate it. And I don't know how to change it. And that makes me angry.

SO WHAT NOW?

I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am
-Jason Mraz

WELCOME TO A NEW START

STARTING AGAIN...

   I have had multiple blogs, journals, rant pages, what have you. From Xanga, to DeadJournal (not the same as LiveJournal) Myspace, Facebook... They all lose their charm eventually. My intent is always the same; get the commotion going on within the confines of my brain out into the world somehow. I have used those pages, I have written in paper journals, and I never keep up with it.

   

   So, why is this any different you ask? Well, for one thing, I need more than ever to free my mind of the chaos and put myself out in front of... myself. This is me? Who may that be? Not even I know. I suppose you could say this is my attempt to find out who I am, who I want to be, who I am meant to be... It is a journey that you would think I have been on my whole life. Somehow I have managed to avoid it up to this point. This point has brought about the opportunity to change and find myself. This is my journey, out of my head and into the world.

   

   My life is changing, I am in a severely volatile place, and I need to maneuver my way through the maze that is this life and hope to end up at the finish line in one piece. If indeed one piece is a desirable thing in which to be. Maybe it is better to end up at the finish line, broken and patched together. Different pieces of my life making up the one woman. Is that being whole? I often feel that I am not whole. In fact, I feel more like a shattered window than a patched up, sewn together individual. Perhaps determining whether or not that is a positive thing is my journey. Perhaps not...

   

   I like to think that I am an honest person. I spent a lot of time in my life lying, so it isn't something I tend to do now. I am all the better for it. But honesty is hard. Honesty hurts. And it is hardest to be honest with myself. That plays a big part in why I am doing this. So, I can be honest with myself in the most candid way possible. The truth always comes out when you write. Especially when you let yourself go and simply let the words flow from within, out into this world. 

   

   This is me... figuring out me... It will be a bumpy ride sifting through the emotions and feelings, and past experiences that have molded me thus far. Emotions and feelings are difficult. Up to this point I have not been allowed to have either. They have been suppressed and stomped on so much, and now that I am free to have feelings, emotions, thoughts, with no fear of being trampled on, I can't do it. I now restrict myself. So I do not know what I feel or think; I do not know how I feel or think. I simply don't know.

WHO AM I?