"YOU'RE ALIVE"

LIFE IS A CRAZY ROLLER COASTER LIKE THING...

Emotions... you know how you stuff them down, deep within and try to forget about them? You know how when you continue to stuff them down, they build upon each other? You know how when they build up and eventually explode like a viscous volcano on a killing spree? That can be an extraordinarily liberating moment; but it can also, for lack of a better word, really suck.

These moments come for me every now and again... Yesterday was one of those "now and again" kind of days. You begin crying for one reason and find yourself losing all control, over EVERY little thing you ever stuffed down. It builds and builds and pressure eventually makes it explode. Then you can't stop it. It simply rages on until you are spent.

These moments... the "now and again" moments have been happening much more increasingly as of late. More often than not they aren't liberating. They make me feel weak and overly sensitive. I found this some time ago on Pinterest.

It certainly reminds me that I am alive. But just the same, I feel lesser.

I have this theory about feeling (in the emotional realm); strictly concerning myself. For quite some time I found myself in a place of utter numbness. Being numb to all that was going on around me, not being able to make a distinct assessment of feeling seemed at the time to be exceedingly aggravating. It bothered me that I couldn't cry over something or feel happy about something. Not too long ago that numbness dissipated and I began to feel, deeply, everything! Being in that place where every small thing makes you feel a severe, deep emotion, was more heart breaking than one may think.

Everything hurt. And I realized that I didn't know which was better. Not being able to feel these deep feelings and emotions I have, or being able to feel so deeply it actually hurts physically. I explained it to my sister once in one of those "now and again" moments. In the midst of utter despair, weeping so much I could not breathe properly; I described to her that my heart physically ached with the raw emotion and feelings I had. I had never experienced physical pain due to emotional duress. It frightened me. It was at that point that I asked her and myself as well... Would I rather be numb or would I rather feel? Which is better? Can one be better? 

That is my current quandary. One I have been deliberating over in my head for months. Maybe this is a very personal question. Maybe no one else has ever pondered over this. Though I find that to be very unlikely. Would I rather ache or be numb? It feels like an eternal question.

There can be beauty in pain. I find it is usually quite difficult to see through the pain to beauty. That may be an issue with my own perspective though. Perhaps I have a harder time than others in seeing. Though, perhaps I don't. I wonder; is there any beauty left within this scarred and broken soul. Or is it all ugliness and selfishness?

All of this makes me feel very alone in my feelings. It is hard not to feel alone. Am I being selfish for feeling alone in something that is likely very commonplace? Is it actually all that I feel truly boils down to selfishness? That IS the everlasting human condition. We are very good being selfish.

I guess I'll have to work that one out for myself...