ANGER FLOWS AND OVERWHELMS

MY CURRENT STRUGGLE

   Presently, the thing I struggle with the most is anger. And that anger stems from a rather large list of life events that collapsed on me all at once. My anger isn't so much an outward manifestation to which others can attest. In fact, I think most people wouldn't have the slightest idea about where my head is at right now. None the less, I am angry and I don't exactly know how to deal with it.

   I used to have a grasp on a few thing's that seemed to keep me pretty sane. At some point those thing's I once was so sure of have faded and now I am lost, grasping at the wall, trying to catch a grip so that I can climb out of the pit in which I find myself residing. What was it that I had a grasp on "once upon a time"? I knew that I was a daughter, that God loved me, that EVERYTHING had a purpose and a time. Even amidst various trials and certain highs and lows; I knew who I was, I was a daughter of the Most High King. I knew what I wanted to be, a lover of the Most High King. I knew that despite the crazy things happening all around me, I was His and He was mine and nothing could ever change that. 

   Despite my assuredness I lost that belief. I long for that relationship that I once had, but I am also angry and I don't have a grasp on those beliefs anymore. What is it that could possibly happen to change this belief so drastically? In the past three years I have landed in a deeper pit than I ever thought possible considering where I HAVE been in the distant past. Why are these event's so much worse than previous trials? There has been tremendous loss...; mostly death related. Is that why I feel so completely and irrevocably lost? Loss will do that. Loss makes you lost; makes you lose yourself.

   So, what loss brought about such change? Loss... of friendships, multiple deaths, three miscarriages, two dogs, and a marriage... Somewhere in the midst of all that there is a deep loss of pride and self-awareness. It would also seem to be the year (or two years) of cancer. Everyone has cancer. I have been blessed however that not a single one of the people I know, small children to elderly people have lost their fight. That is HUGE. But it is outrageous to see how cancer is attacking everyone around you, one right after the other. Even though none have lost their fight, it makes me angry that they are having to fight. It makes me angry that I am not worth fighting for in friendship. It makes me angry that teenage girls can have babies without complication, and women that long for that, that are grown and want a family cannot have one. It makes me angry that my inability to keep a child within my womb has me attach myself so much more to my dogs (my babies) and two of them die within three months of each other in tragic ways. It makes me angry that I am not cherished in a marriage, but beat down and restricted. I AM ANGRY!!!

   Despite the various abuse I have suffered through in this short life, I am still here. Despite the abandonment and loss, I still love. Despite the sickness and attempts on my life, I am still alive. And that is a blessing... right? Why does life have to be such a blessing and a curse? I no longer have a desire or zest for living. I wish I did. I wish I knew how to get that back. But, rather than excitement for life I have anger. Rather than joy and peace I have fear. I am not living whole and I hate it. And I don't know how to change it. And that makes me angry.

SO WHAT NOW?

I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am
-Jason Mraz