LIVING AND LEARNING

LEARNING TO BE ALONE...

I believe that we should never stop learning. I believe that even the most minute of experiences can teach us. When you stop learning, you stop living.

Right now, the lesson is being alone and being okay with alone. While I would not say it is healthy to always be alone and never speak to anyone else, there can be a lot gained from time spent alone. Extended time that is, not simply a few minutes here and there.

I am a shy person by nature. I bit of a skeptic. In most cases it takes me time to warm up to any one person. I like the quietness that comes with being alone. I like the solitude and the ability to think unhindered thoughts. However, I also truly hate to be alone. Just to know that someone else is nearby is enough for me, typically.

But I have been in a foreign place the past several weeks. I know not a soul here. My only company is a Golden Retriever and a King Charles Spaniel. I spend most of my time in the house. My phone reception is not too splendid within said house. So, my communications with the outside world via telephone are minuscule at best.

Being all alone in this massive State where I know not a soul and everyone owns a gun except me, has been trying to say the very least. While I do believe that there is a lot to be gained from my time here; I am already always in my head, which secludes me from other's, so this is just adding to that... and to a point it begins to become unhealthy. Venturing out alone is terrifying and not nearly as enjoyable as when you are with other's. Sharing an experience is part of the experience after all...

My mother is worried about me. I believe that she is not alone in her worry. Being so secluded for so long has been strange. I'm not sure my mother has ever begged me to get out and do something. She pleaded with me the other day to go out. It was strange. I told her I would go just for her. And I did and will continue to do so.

I keep trying to tell myself this has been good. This has been helpful. This time alone as allowed the Lord to spend some much needed alone time with me. But, if I am truly honest, there hasn't been much of that. Tid-bits here and there, yes... But not at all what I was expecting when I came here. I thought that I would have these huge God moments in the quiet and lonesome stillness. I thought that I would gleam some amazing truth or find some helpful scripture or maybe, just maybe He would talk to me a bit.

All is not lost, I still have a week left, we will see what happens. I have, however, learned something; which is my goal in life, by the way. I like to learn new thing's...

I have learned that I can be okay alone. Not, absolute seclusion, no human contact, alone. Just, I am okay. This has been a rough couple of years and I am okay. I could be a mess right now. I was a mess not too long ago. Starting over, alone, with very little to my name, and someone willing to fight to keep it that way is not easy by any definition of the word. But, I am okay. And I will continue to be okay. And it is okay that I am alone. And it is okay that I don't have any money or a car or a job. It is okay that when this is all said and done I will have less than I started with... It is okay.

I can be on my own and be okay. THAT is a valuable lesson to learn. So maybe the Lord didn't descend from the Heaven's upon me and give me some great quest for this new life. He has taught me though. And I am grateful.