I DON'T KNOW WHY...

I FIND IT SO DIFFICULT...

To sit quiet and humbly take what's been dealt me. I don't know why I feel I need some kind of validation in what I am feeling in the midst of what I am going through. I don't know why I want someone to know. I don't know why I want someone to tell me that it is okay that I feel what I do and that I  deserve better and that thing's will get better. Why can't I just take it as it is and deal with it on my own?

Am I the only person that find's it so hard to not say something about what is going on? I wish I didn't want someone to validate my feelings. I wish I could be okay with feeling what I do and that be enough for me. Clearly it isn't... Isn't that what this is?! This entire blog is me saying what I want about what I feel and what I am going through; and I post it so people can see it. That's a little arrogant and self seeking... isn't it?

And yet, somehow, I continue to do it. And I never actually say what I REALLY want to say just in case someone sees it... It is all very confusing and strange and I don't even know what. Some of thing's I want to say are not nice thing's. Sometimes I want to shine light on circumstances and situations so people will know who they are really dealing with. But that isn't fair... And it isn't up to me deal out justice and judgment. That's on God. But sometimes... sometimes I wish I could do it. Sometimes I want the world to know how someone they think so highly of is actually behaving.

Partially... maybe mostly because I know that I don't look so good to a lot of people. And the reasons I look as I do are based on lies and manipulations. I shouldn't care what anyone thinks. For the most part it is all concerning people I don't even really have a relationship with. But for the few people I do have a relationship with that ARE buying into the lies... that hurts. And I want the truth to come out. And yet I cannot divulge the truth. And most people don't listen anyway.

Somehow I got screwed over. I look like The bad guy. I look like a fool... And I don't like that. Maybe some of the time it is true. Some of the time I have been the bad guy. I have certainly made my share of mistakes. But I took responsibility for those and I am still getting screwed over.

I just wish we really knew the people we think we know. A lot of time we only know the pieces they want seen. And those are usually bogus. And I din't even mean for this to end up where it did. But it is interesting that it did because this is exactly what the Pastor of the church I "attend" (stream from Gainesville) was talking about for a bit today. People present the good thing's, the best thing's. And often times it is too late when we see the real thing. He presented it differently of course. It is like movie trailers. They put the best parts of the movie into the trailer because they need to sell how awesome it is. But when you actually see the movie, it is crap. All the good stuff was presented to get you in the theater. Once the money is spent, who cares what comes next? Now you are ten bucks lighter on cash and either wasted your time and money or walked out and only wasted the money.

All that to say that I wish you could see... I wish you could see the way that that person you so admire really behaves behind the scenes. I wish you could hear the way that person speaks; the words they use are unkind and filthy. Hardly the person they present themselves to be. I wish that people that claim to follow the Lord and call themselves Christians didn't so often behave like people of the world. I wish people didn't take something that should be simple and quick and turn it into a giant mess because they want revenge of some kind. I wish people weren't so two faced.

I feel that I can genuinely say that I am the same person to all people. I don't try and hide. And I am trying really hard to be humble and gentle and generous. I am trying... And I am being me. Not some counterfeit, trying to blend and make people think I am something I am not.

This took such a different turn... Oh well. I guess I need to get it out there. So there it is.

OUT THERE...