MY MUSIC FILLED SPIRIT

MUSIC SPEAKS TO MY HEART

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears

And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears

Get over your hill and see what you find there

With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair

-Mumford & Sons, After the Storm

I love these lyrics. They speak to me on a whole different level than other lyrics have in the past. I think these lyrics speak to me so much because I long for the moment the words so beautifully portray. I long for that time to come when love will not break my heart but rather overtake it and make all my fears succumb to it. I ponder on the time when I will "get over [my] hill" and what will be there when I do. Will the day come that I will find there truly is grace in my heart? What will it look like? What will it feel like? And who doesn't want to have flowers in their hair? I know I sure do.

I long for a time of serenity and peace. More than long for it... I ache for that time. Is it attainable for me on this earth? Or is it something that can only come in the afterlife? I long and ache for the type of love that dismisses fears and fills you with grace and makes you whole. The trouble is, I long for that love in a physical sense; when I know I can have that love in a spiritual sense. In fact, I used to have that. Spiritually. Why is it that that is not enough for me? Why can I not be satisfied with God? Why do I want physicality more than spirituality? 

I have said before that if God would simply speak to me in a physical voice that I could not deny, I would believe. If God would just touch me, hold me physically, I would always turn to Him. If God would only... What a terrible sentence that is. Because I am saying He is not enough. What He does do is not enough. How he does it is not enough. And let's be honest, WHO am I to say He is not enough? I am nothing. Especially without Him.

Just the same, I find myself in this place all the time, telling Him that what He does isn't enough. How He does it is wrong. When He chooses to do it isn't fast enough, or far too fast. Why He even chooses to do something is problematic for me. As I said before, selfishness is the human condition, and I display it quite consistently when it comes to Him and what I expect of Him. And I honestly have no right what-so-ever to expect ANYTHING of Him.

So, as I continue to display my selfish heart, why does He not give up on me? In my heart of hearts I know He has not quit on me yet, even though I often feel that He has. I accuse Him constantly of not being there for me, not speaking to me, not loving me... Even though I know that is not true. I deny even what I know is truth so that I can feel what? Low? Why would I want that? Why do I do that? What is wrong with me? Does anyone have an answer?

Despite what I know... I am still questioning, still angry, still low. Despite what I know I am stuck and I can't get a grip. You would think that I'd have learned something by now. But here I am , still grasping at straws. Doing everything wrong...

WHY?

SENDING UP A PRAYER FOR THIS ACHING HEART...