WELCOME TO A NEW START

STARTING AGAIN...

   I have had multiple blogs, journals, rant pages, what have you. From Xanga, to DeadJournal (not the same as LiveJournal) Myspace, Facebook... They all lose their charm eventually. My intent is always the same; get the commotion going on within the confines of my brain out into the world somehow. I have used those pages, I have written in paper journals, and I never keep up with it.

   

   So, why is this any different you ask? Well, for one thing, I need more than ever to free my mind of the chaos and put myself out in front of... myself. This is me? Who may that be? Not even I know. I suppose you could say this is my attempt to find out who I am, who I want to be, who I am meant to be... It is a journey that you would think I have been on my whole life. Somehow I have managed to avoid it up to this point. This point has brought about the opportunity to change and find myself. This is my journey, out of my head and into the world.

   

   My life is changing, I am in a severely volatile place, and I need to maneuver my way through the maze that is this life and hope to end up at the finish line in one piece. If indeed one piece is a desirable thing in which to be. Maybe it is better to end up at the finish line, broken and patched together. Different pieces of my life making up the one woman. Is that being whole? I often feel that I am not whole. In fact, I feel more like a shattered window than a patched up, sewn together individual. Perhaps determining whether or not that is a positive thing is my journey. Perhaps not...

   

   I like to think that I am an honest person. I spent a lot of time in my life lying, so it isn't something I tend to do now. I am all the better for it. But honesty is hard. Honesty hurts. And it is hardest to be honest with myself. That plays a big part in why I am doing this. So, I can be honest with myself in the most candid way possible. The truth always comes out when you write. Especially when you let yourself go and simply let the words flow from within, out into this world. 

   

   This is me... figuring out me... It will be a bumpy ride sifting through the emotions and feelings, and past experiences that have molded me thus far. Emotions and feelings are difficult. Up to this point I have not been allowed to have either. They have been suppressed and stomped on so much, and now that I am free to have feelings, emotions, thoughts, with no fear of being trampled on, I can't do it. I now restrict myself. So I do not know what I feel or think; I do not know how I feel or think. I simply don't know.

WHO AM I?