SOME DAYS ARE HARD...
Literally not knowing what is next for me, where I will be, if I will have money, a way to get around, people that love me; it is hard. Some days are simply hard... It is hard to wake, hard to breath, hard to think. It is hard to know that there is nothing left and there is no self-sufficiency and people always walk out of your life.
It is hard to not get caught up in what other people say to or about you. At times I think it is better to be alone, without other people consistently in your life, because then you don't know or don't care what they are saying or whom they are saying it to and whether or not it is true or false or embellished and exaggerated. Not knowing can be better. Not knowing means avoiding confrontation with people. But not knowing is also lonely...
God, where are You?
What are You doing?
Do You have something planned for me?
It is sometimes all I can do to stay positive. Some days I just can't keep upbeat. This is one of those days. Feeling betrayed, unwanted, and unloved. I hate feeling this way; but some days it is what I feel. Each breath I take stings and each moment that passes is one more moment I have had to deal with my unkind thoughts about myself and my life and how I have messed up. Moment by moment, breath after breath, and nothing changes...
Am I somehow holding myself back? Am I the reason that people always leave and my world is crashing down around me? Have I done something so bad that everything must be stripped away and people that are supposed to have my back are on the wrong team? Sometimes, taking it moment by moment is good. It get's me through. But sometimes it is so slow and so lonely and so frightening.
It has been hell since I arrived back in Georgia. I just want to leave. And I want to not look back. I want to be okay and be happy and be done with this life that has been so cruel. I am ready for a newer, brighter, happier world. This dismal feeling, dark, shadow casting world that I live in is slowly killing me. My spirit, my soul. I don't have much fight left within me...
TODAY IS ONE OF THOSE DAYS...
I have no answer for you. But I know the One who does. He is steadfast love. He is faithfulness. He is great in glory. The glory of Him is His goodness; it is the fullness of all He is. Even tho He is high, He regards the lowly. Even when I walk in the midst of trouble, He preserves my life. He will fulfill His purpose for me. He fills me up when I am so lonely, hems me in and lays His hand upon me. And because of this I cry out to Him. Hear my prayer, give ear to my plea for mercy. I need your mercy. I need your Grace. In You I seek refuge. Leave me not defenseless. There is NO greater Joy than to see You and to hear You. Lord, because you are faithful, let my heart see and hear You. Pure joy. Pure love. You are my portion.
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