I have become so jaded that I no longer expect a reply.
That is problematic. That is disbelief... I used to believe. I used to know. I used to have faith. I wasn't jaded. I wasn't angry. I would cry out and know that I would
receive and answer; even if it was not immediate. I had trust.
I have been in a difficult place for a while now. I cannot pray. I cannot speak to God. I cannot read His word. My anger has withdrawn me. And the very fact that I know all of this and yet have done nothing about it disappoints me. I have allowed myself to remain stuck. But why? Because it is familiar. Because it is easier than the alternative. Because I amweak and I am a coward and I am fearful. I can use this place as a crutch for now. An excuse as to why I cannot be a certain way or do certain things. It keeps me in a place where I can at least think I hold no responsibility for anything. I cannot share the word of God with others when it is not in my own heart. I cannot care for the broken when I myself am broken. So I stay here... I stay here so I do not have to do what we are called to do. But WHY?!?
I do not believe... and that breaks my heart.
I remember what it felt like to believe. I remember how it felt to know that I was a daughter. Loved. Set apart. But I have forgotten those things. I have forgotten how it felt. I have forgotten what I once knew in my heart of hearts.
But last night as I cried out into the darkness... I spoke to the Lord. I told Him that I know I need to try. I need to read. I need to make an effort. But I didn't even have to for Him to answer me. He answered me the way He knows that I need to be answered. Through music. It touches my heart far deeper than most anything could. I listen to calming instrumental music when I go to sleep. I recently made a new playlist that I named "Sweet Serenity". I put only about fifty songs in it to begin with. I have had the song for years and never once heard it. Not sure where it even came from really.
My alarm went off this morning but I did not want to get up. I didn't sleep well last night so I told myself it was okay to sleep a little late and get to work a little later as well.
Just today... So I slept a little more. And when I woke again a little while later this song was playing. I woke right at the moment when Graham Cooke was speaking the words:
I have come to ravish your heart And you, Beloved You are no longer strong enough to resist me All things hurtful I have dealt with in the blood All things needful I will pour out over your life One thing, one thing is necessary Live at my feet And rest Let my peace ease your mind My love calm your heart Let go… Let go... Let go...
And I began to cry at these words that I knew were being spoken directly to me. For me. Words that I have not heard in a very long time. Words that I have needed to hear for a very long time. Words that mean so much more than any words ever have. Words that are not simply words, but a promise. A proclamation. As I listened on, each verse he spoke out just hit deeper and deeper and deeper. I could feel my heart breaking as the tears flowed softly on... The breaking was good though. It was a stone shell breaking loose from the tender organ like the icecaps break off and fall into the deep darkness beneath. Vanished! And all I could think was that I need to share this! Other's need to hear these words! They mean SO much!
My Love. My Beauty You stand in a puddle, when I would give you a lake You dwell in a river, when I would give you the oceans of the world You have yet to hear and to see and to know of the majesty of my love For you are yet poor in spirit But I have saved the best til now I love you as the sacrifice loves the one being saved Greater love has never been seen I love you as the King of Lovers I smile over you my great Beauty I have not yet loved you as I would For you have withheld your heart But I have come to overwhelm you To conquer you again You are helpless against me You are incapable of denying my passion For I am the Bridegroom And my love is strong as death Open your heart an inch and I will take a mile For you can no longer deny my advances I have come to ravish your heart And you, Beloved You are no longer strong enough to resist me All things hurtful, I have dealt with in the blood All things needful, I will pour out over your life One thing, one thing is necessary Live at my feet... And rest Let my peace ease your mind; My love calm your heart Let go… Let go… Let go… Of the past. The pain. The problem Turn your back on it, as you face me And you and I together. We will face the rest of your life And there will be a new joy and a different peace And a greater rest than you have ever known For the days of fulfillment are upon you That which I have created you for That which I have apprehended you for Is fast coming upon you For these are the days of the Bridegroom and the Bride The days of Love everlasting And all that you have passed through All that you currently endure It’s all for the good Because I am coming! And many will say yet now “The King is coming! The King is coming!” But I tell you there is a day not long hence When your eyes will be opened and you will say “The King is here!” “The King is here!” And you’ll say it in awe, “The King is here!” You’ll say it in wonder, “The King is here!?” For I am coming And My love will under-gird your life And your heart will be filled again And all the promises I ever spoke Will come true on that day when I come And I am coming! And I’m coming for YOU! I am coming for those who are full And I am coming for those who are empty I am coming for those who are tired and weary and burned out For there is a refreshing in the presence of the Groom Because the Lover is coming Who will touch and refill your heart For My heart longs for you And because My heart longs for you you are able to long for Me But these are days of fulfillment Beloved Days of dreams coming true and Words coming to pass I have not yet loved you as I would But I will! Oh, I will. I will. I will. I will love you as you deserve to be loved I will love you in the way that you were created to be loved And in that day that you will know, that you will know, that you will know, that you will know That you... yes you... Are the Beloved of God I have not yet loved you as I would But I WILL And you will be able to receive it
I am"a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma"...
Even though the above quotation was first spoken about Russia by one, Winston Churchill... my thoughts today have been that very thing.
I am an enigma to myself. Not even I understand my thoughts or my feelings.
I do not know the things I want. I do not know what or how I genuinely feel most of the time. I do not know where I hold responsibility and where I do not.
Where have I failed? What are my flaws? What do I believe in? What do I stand for?
If anything at all... I baffle myself entirely.
I wonder silently if I am the only one that has this problem? Am I the only one in the entire world that has trouble deciphering my own thoughts? Feelings? Belief?
There must be others. It is rare that you are truly alone in any kind of circumstance.
For the most part there are generally multitudes of other people going through a situation exactly like your own... I feel there should be some kind of solace in the fact that I am not alone in this. But there is none. It only solidifies my confusion further.
I begin to ask why there are so many people that are so lost or confused... why do we not understand ourselves? Why can I not answer some of the basest questions in life for myself? That cannot be normal!
I need help. I need hope and faith and love... and I am fresh out. Where do I go from here? Is there an up? Is there an out? Is there a light at the end?
I do not see it...
Or is it that I simply do not understand it? I cannot grasp it because I am an enigma... and nothing makes sense.
